The only thing I'm
scared of is that the festival is chock full of parties and I
always get really nervous at parties and wind up saying stupid stuff. I'm so
bad at adult talk, things like, "Yeah Bill I really look forward to
working on a project with you." Then when I run out of things to say I become
ten years old again, I'm like "I think its important you know that I like boobies."
All I really want to do at parties is sit in the corner and watch the girls.
I love watching girls. They don't even have to do anything. That's why guys
go to strip clubs. We just like looking at girls, and if they happen to be
naked it's simply icing on the cake. 
I always think it's funny that
girls at strip clubs dance. Girls, you're tiring yourself out for
nothing. Relax, as far as we're concerned you could be welding up there if you're naked we're going to watch. I do have to say I never understood the lap
dance though. It's utter nonsense to me. You pay a girl twenty dollars then
she rubs her naked body all over you and then she leaves. What the hell is
that? I can do that to the wall for free. I do too! I do that to the wall.
God help me I do that to the goddamn wall. I don't have many friends.
The last time I went to Montreal was in 1996 and I had only been a comedian for 4 years. From my performance there I got a deal with The Walt Disney Company for One Hundred And Fifty Thousand Dollars. I couldn't believe it. I had been a waiter right before that and had never made more than $200.00 a week so suddenly I was Mitch Trump. I think I actually masturbated to the check. I was so innocent back then and thought once you got a deal that meant you were automatically going to be a TV star. Nothing could be further from the truth. They wanted me to play the Ross like character in the remake of Margaret Cho's All American Girl. 
Big fan of Margaret
Cho but if you remember the TV show it wasn't exactly Charles in Charge.
I actually got in a fight with the executives because I refused to say a
line (by the way I don't advocate this kind of behavoir, I was real naive).
My character, we'll call him Ross 2, lived in an apartment above a fish
market. Now if that doesn't set up absolute hilarity what does? Anyway, my
friend comes over (this is in the script) and then I say (get ready for this
one it's a doosey) I say, "I can't live here anymore, it smells like Aquaman
was splooging in my bedroom." Easy folks, it's not that funny! First of all,
I don't even get it, secondly when you have to use Aquaman 
in your
punchlines you're really stretching. I don't know where I got the balls big
enough but I simply refused to say it. They called this big meeting with all
the top executives and the President of Disney's comedy division said, "Why
won't you say it?" I said "I don't even know what it means." The President
says, "What the hell does it mean?" and the writer was like "Well it means
Aquaman was in his room fucking." So the President says, "Who the
hell is Aquaman?" and the writer and producer explain that he is an
aquatic superhero. The President then yells, in one of my classic memories
of my life "Aquaman fucking, it's out!" and the writers on cue started
scratching it out of the script. I felt so great. In hindsight though I
probably shouldn't have done it because I got the entire crew pissed off at
me and was fired before the show aired. It's 7 years later now and I never
got my TV show so if any executives are out there reading this I want you
to know that I now think Aquaman, or for that matter any
member of the American League of Superheros, having sexual intercourse is
hysterical and I would be more than happy to say my room smells like this is occurring.
I have to apologize to anyone who bought the July issue of Penthouse thinking I would be in it. I was supposed to be but then they made an editing decision and decided to hold the interview till the August issue. They forgot to tell me so now I'm getting e-mails from people saying they spent nine dollars and all they're getting is lots of vaginas and no Mitchie. Nobody seems that upset though. I guess vaginas just don't upset people. Men and women agree that vaginas are our friends. Speaking of vaginas is everyone a lesbian now? First I turn on MTV and there's hundreds of girls kissing each other, then 18 year old Heather mentions to me that her and her best friend, who is Spanish (I only mention this because it makes the story hot, hot, hot) just happened to decide one day they were going to lick each others private parts. Is this what best friends do these days? I've known Bluefish since I was 10, love him to death, but we never performed oral favors on each other, although we did fondle each other during Terminator 3 (man that movie was boring). I don't like lesbians, I mean don't get me wrong, I "like" lesbians, it's just that in theory it's very unfair to us guys. 
They know way to many
things we can never know. It's like insider trading.
They know secret portals and buttons to press in emergencies. Did you know
there's a part on a woman where if you press it you get the stock listings. How many other things don't we know?
By the way if any other
female best friends out there are thinking of experimenting in this area
please, I implore you, don't do this without an advisor.
You can get
very hurt diving in unsupervised. Send me an email and I would be more than happy
to take time out of my busy schedule to help you navigate this
strange and wondrous world.
Okay, wish me luck in Montreal and hopefully I'll be able to get another TV show and put all my fans on it. That's my promise to you. If you write me and wish me luck (before I get back) and I get a TV show I will make sure that you are my co-star. You may have to dress like Aquaman or Wonder Woman but it's a small price to pay for fame, believe me. mitch SUBSCRIBE Please send all comments to |
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