What the hell happened to the summer? Seriously wasn't it just June? Man that sucks. I guess it doesn't suck as much as it did when you were a kid. All that really changes now is you get cold whereas when you were a kid the end of the summer marked the beginning of that god-awful sick endless school season. It doubly sucked for me because the school season inevitably brought with it endless punishments and detention for talking in class. At least in camp even the counselors would let their hair down and laugh at a good nosepicking joke but for some reason the teachers always seemed to frown upon my creative outlets. I do remember really liking elementary school because it wasn't really hard work. The most challenging thing was writing that essay "What I did this summer" which for me was always the same, "This summer my Mommy told me I should leave and come back when I'm 18." Speaking of elementary school I remember in Kindergarten having the biggest crush on my teacher Ms. Mancuso, oh man was she hot. I swear to God I can still think about her and get turned on. She used to wear cute little mini skirts that drove me out of my mind. How the hell was I supposed to concentrate on my abc's when heaven was bending down in front of me. I wish I knew where she was today so I could bring her to a show and then live out my fantasies. If anyone knows Ms. Mancuso who taught at P.S. 31 in Yonkers, N.Y. please tell her little Mitch, the kid who used to bring her gifts, wants to give her a lesson of his own. Actually, now that I think about it she's probably 50 now. Holy shit, Ms. Mancuso is old! You know, I'd still fuck her, how do you like them apples? My other favorite teacher was Mr. McCandeles, I didn't have a crush on Mr. McCandeles though, he was just a really kind older man. Mr. McCandeles taught 5th grade and he was exactly like TV's Mr. Rogers, just that real calm kind of guy who never gets upset at anything. I remember once I stole a ton of stuff from all the kids in my class. One day I suddenly felt a wave of remorse about my life of crime and decided I would try to return my illegal stash and turn over a new leaf. I hatched a brilliant plan, I came to class early one morning and discreetly walked around the room putting everything back in everyone's desk. Mr. McCandles was grading papers and never knew what I was doing. Of course, looking back now I realize he obviously knew and never said anything about it, how cool is that? That's the kind of thing that still inspires me to this day. Come to think of it I'd fuck him too, if anyone knows where he is.
Some fast career news and then I'm out of here. First thanks to everyone who wrote telling me they liked the Sturgis Leno piece. I am so happy when a piece does well because I put so much work into them. The worst is when you put in all the work and the piece blows. My worst piece ever, I think, was my camp piece. It's where I went to a camp and interviewed kids and halfway through realized kids kind of suck. They really don't have much to say and the things they think are funny really aren't. I'm not a real kid fan. The only ones I like are the intelligent boring ones. The other ones who eat grass and worms I can live without. I, believe it or not was the worm eating kid when I was young. I do feel validated though that contrary to what I was told back then I am able to make a living acting retarded. In other career news I’ve just been offered a huge Canadian tour. I’m real happy about it but a bit freaked because it’s one month (21 shows) and I’ve never been on the road for one month straight. This is going to be really cool though, I’m going to be playing the best theaters all across Canada. It’s a tour of five comics put together by the Just For Laughs festival so it’s going to be first class. I can’t wait to have sex with many Canadian women across the land and learn if that rumor is true. (I don’t know exactly what that rumor is but I’m hoping I can start one) I’ve posted all the places I'm going to be performing so please come out and say "Hi" if you live there. I can’t believe I’m actually going to be somewhere called Manitoba. It sounds so exotic, like a far off land. Here’s a deal, the first person to come up to me in Manitoba and say "Welcome to Manitoba, where all your fantasy’s come true!" will get a free copy of "Miniskirts and Muffins" my new CD due out sometime this winter. OK, another long journal completed that web boy Jason will hate having to post. Ahhh, life is sweet. Mitch SUBSCRIBE Please send all comments to |