I'm off to Canada. Farewell my American Friends starting today I am a true hoser. I’m pretty psyched about this. My first stop will be Celene Dion’s birthplace so I can see where all the pain began.
This is my first really big tour so I’m pretty excited. Actually, that’s not totally true. When I was an open miker 10 years ago I did a 6 week tour on a comedy gameshow called "You laugh, you lose."  It was quite honestly the most humiliating experience of my life. I didn’t even get to do stand up comedy I just had to run around in different outfits trying to make mean college kids laugh. If they didn’t laugh they would win like five dollars and guess what, they never laughed. The majority of time they just gazed at me running around with expressions like "You poor bastard, you really should have stayed in college." My final costume was the worst, it was a bear suit and I would have to run out on stage and just be crazy bear. Since I'm only 5’5 the Bear costume was double my size and I think I sustained brain damage falling off the stage pretty much every show. Who says show business isn’t glamorous? I actually got in my first fight in 20 years on that tour. The other comedian who wore the chicken outfit (which you know, the bear is bad but imagine having to be the chicken, that’s got to do some irreparable ego damage) anyway, the chicken guy actually attacked me after the show once because I told him he wasn’t funny. I said something like "Man thank god you’ve got that chicken down because I’ve seen your stand up and it blows" but before I could finish he actually started choking me and the third comedian (the cow guy) had to pull him off of me. I actually refused to get back in the tour van we were on and so they fired him since he was violent. I was always worried that one day he would hunt me down at a show and kill me. Then by chance recently I asked someone from Chicago (his hometown) what this guy was doing and I was informed that one day "chicken man" actually snapped and shot his Dad and then killed himself (I swear this is all true, I checked it out in the paper). All I can think about is how many nights I slept in the same hotel room with this homicidal maniac and complained about him smoking. I just didn’t think chickens should be smoking, it’s got to be bad for their fur. Little did I know that without those cigarettes I may have gotten my head blown off which is never funny, unless of course it’s done very comical and then you say something like "Man I have some headache!" However, if you get shot in the head you're probably not thinking about getting a laugh. I would probably do a part joke part information mix, something like "oww, now that smarts, anyone got a bandage handy?"
Speaking of humor, it seems that yours truly is not only a comedian extraordinaire, but I’m actually part psychologist and general helper of human beings. Here’s a cool e-mail I received this week. Hi Mitch, My name is Jennifer. I am just writing to thank you because you have changed my life...literally. The last time I saw you was at my school for a performance. After the show you and I got to talking about my relationship with my boyfriend. I told you that I was dating a guy I didn’t really love but wouldn’t break up with him because he needed me. You said that it wasn't fair to be with someone you don't love because you are really holding them back from finding real love. Well, our little talk really helped me think about my life from someone else's perspective. Shortly after our visit I got the courage up to do something I knew I had to do for over a year and broke up with my boyfriend. I cannot thank you enough! I am getting married to a wonderful guy this week. I have been dating Jonathon for over a year and I truly love him. I honestly wonder if we did not have that talk if I would have ended up marrying the wrong guy. Thanks for being a very smart guy! Jennifer 
I think the ironic part is I was probably just trying to get laid : ) I have to say though this e-mail was totally cool. I e-mailed her back and asked for a picture of her and the groom, I think they make a great couple but since I was the guru who brought them together I am expecting a little commission if you know what I’m talking about Jonathon…some special pictures from the honey moon would be nice (hint, hint).
Relationships are amazing. I really envy people who have been able to make them work. I for one have never been able to and I’m beginning to think it’s me. I tried to deny it for the longest time but I fear I am high maintenance. Marnie, my Soulmate/Therapist and I get in fights all the time because she refuses to eat good food when we go out to dinner. How the hell am I supposed to order good food when she’s eating a salad? She then takes the irrational position that what she orders should have nothing to do with what I can eat! Have you ever heard something so absurd? How the hell am I supposed to enjoy Buffalo Wings when she’s noshing on a piece of fresh melon! If god wanted us to eat fresh melon instead of Buffalo wings he’d..well I’m sure he’d do something to let us know…like make the sky rain melon, okay I’m stretching but I’m sure I have a point here somewhere. I guess I should be thinking of getting married soon. All my friends are. Bluefish got married when he was 24, and get this, he lived in his Mom’s basement before that.  Yes, he went from his Mom’s basement to an apartment with his wife. How sad is that? My boy will never know the joy of masturbating without fear of being caught. My heart hurts for the rapture he will never know.
I just never saw myself as a husband. Saying stuff like "Mmm, this is just delicious stew honey and now I think I’ll take my brandy in the study." I don’t know if I’ve ever drank Brandy, if I did I definitely didn’t take it in the study. I don't think I've ever been in a study, come to think of it I don't think I've ever even studied in my life, that's why I became a comedian. I have eaten Stew though, I love the stew. I don't have it more than once a year though and for this I am saddened.
Anyway, if you live in Canada please check the dates I'm going to be in your city and come to the show, it’s going to be great. Me and 4 other great comedians playing 3000 seat venues, I am so so psyched. Make sure to take pictures with me if you come and I’ll post them on the site. If you’re really hot maybe I’ll even bring you out for a nice piece of melon. Mitch SUBSCRIBE Please send all comments to |
Current Journal
2005 Journals
2004 Journals
November 17th 2003
October 23rd 2003
September 14th 2003
August 18th 2003
July 31st 2003
July 7th 2003
June 15th 2003
May 25th 2003
May 6th 2003
April 20th 2003
April 8th 2003
March 31st 2003
March 24th 2003
March 17th 2003
March 7th 2003
© Copyright 2003 Mitch Fatel