mitch's journal

March 21, 2004

Man, I have been on the road way way way to long. Pretty much since the middle of January and I'm exhausted. I used to think this job would be so much fun and don’t get me wrong the performing is great but the travel is just a killer. It’s especially hard for me to be on the road because I’m pretty anti social so whereas other people go to the local bar and talk to strangers and have sex with hotel prostitutes, I just hide in my room, eat my Subway hero and watch Court TV. Now if that’s
Search Me
Me at every airport.

not the glamorous life what is? I’m constantly checking in and out of hotels, hitting my head on towel racks in strange bathrooms and worst of all getting searched constantly by irritating security people who don’t seem to realize that in the history of the world no cute American comedians have ever piloted planes into buildings. I can solve our security problem right now, one question “How do you feel about this Allah fella?” Answer any of the following: “I would die for him, death to America, god is great, long live falafel!” and you have to walk. Problem solved, no more terrorisim and/or guys who don't wear deodorant sitting next to you on the flight.


The other day I actually heard people through the walls of my hotel having sex. The woman kept yelling out “Oh yeah do that, oh yeah do that, right there, do that!” and then she would scream for about 10 minutes.Sex Book It was killing me because I was like “What the hell is he doing? I gotta know what he's doing!" I wanted so badly to bang on the wall like "Can you describe what you're doing, could you write it out for me and slide it under my door?" I mean I'm pretty good at what I do, but this guy was like the Einstein of the vagina and I wanted in on the info" All I ever did as a kid was read sex manuals like they were encyclopedias trying to garner as much information on the female creature as possible.Nude Massage It’s funny though, after all that time I think I’ve pretty much come to the conclusion that all women really want is a massage. Every girl I'm with I'm like, "Come on baby, tell me what you want?" "Fine, I'll go get the lotion." Speaking of massaging and sex, these journals are getting harder and harder to write because I just found out my friggin Mom discovered them and has been reading every one. How am I supposed to brag about all the hot ladies I’m meeting on the road when my Mom is calling up asking me if I’m using condoms. Man, this is getting too weird, I think from now on my journals will just consist of me giving recipes for nutbread or something.


I know the Superbowl is long gone but I haven’t even posted a journal since it happened so I did want to put in a few cool pictures.Super Bowl God this is a fun job. I actually now have celebrated two Superbowls on the field with the winning team. This one was by far the best though because the Patriots actually knew who I was and were high fiving me and picking me up. I guess all those lonely nights in hotel rooms are worth it when guys on the winning superbowl team yell your name and pick you up. Man I have a fun life, again I have to say ignoring my Dad and going after this “pipe dream” (his exact words) was the best thing I ever could have done. I think that’s the best advice I could give anyone, just ignore everything your Dad says. I mean, they’re Dads, they’re good to go out and pick up Chinese food but stay away from them
Bluefish and Mitch
Bluefish and me Superbowl 38…I know, you wish you were my friend too.

when it comes to career advice. Bluefish also got to go with me to his second Superbowl so of course I am clearly the best friend anyone could have. How lucky is he that he was nice to me in Elementary school when everyone else thought I was annoying. People always ask me what I was like in school. I wasn’t really the class clown, the class clown is usually some idiot cool kid who makes fart noises in the back of the class. I was much more mature than that. I remember the first time I discovered I liked performing was in English class when we were all reading this story and everyone would take a turn reading a chapter. One day this kid asked the teacher if I could just do all the reading because he said I made it funny the way I told it. The teacher refused and then the whole class started chanting “We want Mitch, we want Mitch” and finally the teacher said “Okay, go ahead Mitch” and the class applauded. I remember for the first time feeling really special. After that every English class we used to start out with me reading a chapter to the class. Since I was so small and bad at sports I finally found something that made me cool. I knew at that moment that I would always be a performer. Wow, I just told a very serious story with no sexual overtones…that’s unlike me, I guess I should even it out with a sex story from school. Here's a good one. The Sylvia Jackson story, oooh sweet Sylvia.


Sylvia Jackson was easily the hottest girl in seventh grade and she had these incredible breasts way before any other girls did. They weren't even big, they were just..just perfect. One day she wore a tight blue terry cloth shirt to school. Terry cloth, of course being the fabric of choice for vixens. I just sat through the entire class staring at these exquisite works of art encased in this skintight garment. Finally I just couldn’t take it
Sylvia
Sylvia's yearbook photo, how hot is she?

anymore, the magic of the terry cloth got to me and I just reached over and touched one. I can still, so many years later, feel that heavenly mound in my pre-teen hand. The relief at finally having known what it felt like to be alive. I savored these few seconds of ecstacy, knowing that soon Sylvia's screams would be resonating throughout the class alerting everyone to my perversion. However, those screams never came. To this day I will always love and adore Sylvia for not freaking out. She just looked over at me confused and said “Mitch, what are you doing?” I was like, “I’m sorry Sylvia I just had to do it.” I think she actually felt my pain because in one of the greatest displays of generosity ever shown a human being she simply replied, “Okay, but don’t do it again.” How incredible is that? How amazing is Sylvia Jackson? She could have seriously humiliated me in front of the whole entire class but chose the higher road and for that I will always always be grateful. Sylvia, you rock! If you’re out there I owe you a dinner and if you wear that same terry cloth shirt then I'll bring you to the next Superbowl! (Sorry Bluefish, but you remember Sylvia)


One more quick item. I just received a cool E-mail from someone at St. Andrews college in North Carolina. That was one of the schools I performed at during this long tour. I must have really made an impression because they sent me these pics of graffiti that was found on their campus following my show.

Graffiti Graffiti

I'm sorry but that is so cool! Ten years ago when I started doing comedy who could have ever known that people would be writing my bits around their college campus. I have to admit that made me feel really good about myself. So good I’m going to go masturbate right now and think about Sylvia’s hot terry cloth shirt…and don’t worry Mom I promise I'll use a condom.

Mitch




Subscribe to Mitch Fatel's email newsletter to be notified via email of Mitch's CD release, upcoming TV spots, and anything else Mitch related.
SUBSCRIBE

Please send all comments to


Journal Archive
Current Journal
2005 Journals
December 15th 2004
November 22nd 2004
September 27th 2004
August 16th 2004
July 11th 2004
May 7th 2004
March 21st 2004
January 21st 2004
2003 Journals





© Copyright 2003 Mitch Fatel