I have so much cool stuff going on, I’m really liking being Mitch Fatel right now. For those of you who are regular readers of my journal you have probably on more than one occasion thought to yourself “Mitch’s journal is so much more entertaining and well written than the other comedians I know.” Or if you’re one of my black fans you thought “My boy can journal like a motherfucker.” Or if your one of my Muslim fans maybe you thought "This is so funny I'm going to wait till next week to blow myself up." Well, any other time I would have dismissed your kindness with a humble denial but this week I can deny it no longer, I must be one of the great writers of our time. What has caused this change of heart? Last week I received an e-mail from Playboy magazine mentioning how they were fans of mine and after reading all my journals they realized I was a good writer too and wanted to know if I’d be interested in writing an article for them on just being Mitch Fatel. Mitch Fatel, a published writer, I feel so mature.

Maugham's "Razors Edge" My favorite book! Please read and tell me what you think.

I want to go to a tea party and discuss politics. I mean comedy is one thing, but to be in the same company with John Steinbeck and Somerset Maugham (my favorite authors) well that is just to much to handle.

College Babes in Miniskirts, thank you Jesus!

And for all you fans who may worry that being a professional writer could possibly stop my terribly immature journal from being posted fret no longer as I give you my word that this will not in any way affect me from regularly writing about my obsession with vaginas and college girls in miniskirts. I guess being a writer means I will have to start lecturing to young people on the dangers of drugs and talking at college graduations about working hard and eating a well-balanced breakfast. The funny thing is, as good a writer as I am, I'm horrible at punctuation. Mike Tyson calls me up regularly with corrections to my journal. Even Web boy, who doesn’t exactly look like a rocket scientist gave me shit the other day when I asked him if we were supposed to put an apostrophe in miniskirts for the CD “miniskirts and muffins” and he got all proud of

Me and Web Boy. I still can't believe he's smarter than me.

himself, “Well you’re only supposed to put apostrophes when it’s ownership blah blah blah.” I was like, “Really, tell me are you supposed to put an apostrophe up your ass because that’s where I’m going to put one if you don’t drop the attitude.” I truly was the worst student in school, I hate to admit that I basically paid no attention to my work preferring instead to just make the class laugh. The fact that teachers actually passed me is a sad indictment of our schools. That’s why I was just real lucky I was funny in this lifetime because take away my sharp wit and stunning humor and I’d be telling you that I have to charge you a dollar extra if you want onion rings instead of fries.

Speaking of my success. The Tonight Show just told me that I’m going to be covering Ozzfest for them in July, how cool is that? I’m going to meet the OZ! I think the most exciting part for me is that Judas Priest is going to be doing a big reunion. Believe it or not Judas Priest was my favorite band as a kid. Most people are shocked to find that I was a metal head back in the day. Well not like a real metal head, real metal heads usually have tattoos and smoke heroin and kill their dogs in satanic rituals, I just liked the music and tried hard to look the part thinking I could be cool. My whole life as a kid was consumed with trying to be cool and I can honestly say I was never even close to being successful. I think I finally stopped trying at about age 17 when I met this really hot Italian girl Krissy. Krissy was the kind of girl that only went out with the cool guys. Well somehow I made her laugh somewhere and she agreed to go on a date with me. On the date I made a decision that would change my life. It occurred to me that she had been out with so many cool guys that if I was going to act cool I didn’t have a shot so in a split second decision that would have reverberations for the rest of my life I just decided to be me. Sensitive, funny, sweet, basically everything but cool. Next thing I know Krissy was naked and I was having sex with my first really hot girl ever. In what would become the best month of my adolesence. I had endless sexual relations with that woman. Life was perfect, my skin cleared up, my posture improved, my leg muscles increased. Of course all good

Mitch at 17 trying to be cool. Yes, sadly, I even smoked.

things have to come to an end and eventually Krissy broke up with me and went out with cool guy Rich Scarlatta who wasn't only cool but had a van (even Superman couldn't fight a guy with a van!) I didn’t care though, I was thankful for the time we had. I had gotten into the promised land for about a month which in guy years is an eternity. As long as you have enough time to convince them to do that funky porn star squatting position you’ve come out ahead. The lesson I learned that day was clear, in life, be yourself. No one likes a phony. She even once said to me, “You’re so different than other guys.” and I was like "Wow thanks, can you turn over." From that point forward to now I never ever attempted to be cool again. That’s always the advice I give any comics, and it really counts for every profession, just be yourself. And don’t play the middle ground, be you and be you to an extreme. Don’t play it half way. It’s the people that play it safe in the middle that never get anywhere. I hate people who don’t commit. I'm not religious in any way whatsoever, personally I think it’s a scam, however I have these born again Christian friends and they are hardcore, no drinking, no gambling, no pre-marital sex and though it seems to me like that’s already living in hell I still am impressed with them because they say they believe in Jesus so they live that way. If you truly love Jesus than love the dude, don’t be like, well I think he doesn’t mind if I masturbate. You can’t make your own rules. Walk the walk if you really believe. Speaking of which, I think I could do the no pre-marital sex thing but the masturbation thing would really be a sticking point with me. I’m just really a fan. If I went to heaven God would be like “Gee Mitch, I want to let you in, you’re a good guy and I love your joke about anal sex but it says here on my chart that you masturbated more than you ate dinner so I'm going to have to decline your heaven application. The good news is, in hell you'll be rooming with Rick Solomon and that guy's got some fun videos to watch."

Finally, I've mentioned the CD so many times now I should address what's taking so long. I have to be honest I never could have imagined how much work goes into making a good product. I have worked with so many comics who have CD’s and when I listened to them I felt

Yes it exists, thats the first edit of the CD I'm holding.

embarrassed for them that they had the balls to sell something so amateurish. Now I understand why, it just takes a lot of time and money to make a good product. I don’t mind the time and money, because I couldn’t put out a shitty product, but I do wish I wouldn’t have even mentioned I was coming out with a CD until I was close to till you see. So in closing, this is a long winded way of me apologizing for taking so long and telling you it will be out soon, definitely by the summer but I swear it will be worth the wait. In the meanwhile you could go masturbate and if you’re a girl you could send me pictures and maybe I could give you some pointers. Even though I’m busy I’m always willing to help, it’s just what sweet guys do : )