Who was that bad man? I don't know, I just hope I never have to see those demonic eyes
If you havenít seen it yet click here. If you have seen it let me first
say, Yes I agree, that guy was a dick and no I donít know
where he works, I'm assuming it's for some free paper in the midwest.
If you happen to know please e-mail me and let me know.
For those of you who donít know what Iím talking about here's the story. Three weeks
ago I was sent by the Tonight Show
to cover the Major League Baseball All-Star game and what I thought would
be a boring piece turned out to be great, culminating with the "Attack of the
Red Haired Reporter".
When they first asked me if I wanted to cover the
game I was a bit skeptical. Iíve worked with baseball guys before and usually theyíre just
way to serious. Football guys are
the best while baseball guys tend to be on the boring side. Just like the
beauty of sports though, you
never can tell what the outcome of anything will be until you play the game! I never could
imagined this would turn out being called one of the best pieces I've done. It
proves yet again nothing in life can be predicted.
When Reporters Attack. This Thursday on Fox!
Actually, red haired reporter wasnít the only altercation I got into that day. I very rarely
have any problems during these shoots but this piece just had trouble written on it from
the start. Every now and than a player or reporter isn't
that happy with me, but by and
large everyone enjoys themselves. The first altercation didnít air, because quite honestly it
wasnít funny it was just bizarre.
Basically, I was having fun with all the players when I come upon this player named
who plays right field for the Anaheim Angels.
Vladimir only speaks spanish so he had an interpreter with him who happened to be
a humongous guy. I didnít really know what to ask him because quite honestly no one
knows who he is. When it came my turn I was pretty proud of
myself when I thought of something pretty
creative, I asked, through his interpreter, "How does it feel knowing your interpreter is a
thief?" the interpreter laughed heartily
and interprets the question
to Vladimir who laughs heartily as well. I thought I was a hero. But then, of course, Mr.
Retarded Funny Boy has to push it one step further, "How does it
feel knowing your
interpreter likes men?" The minute it came out of my mouth I knew I had thrown a bad
curve way off the plate
because the interpreter started twitching like Mike Tyson at a spelling bee and turned a
very scary reddish hue. It became obvious that
if I didnít walk away real fast
the incredible pink Hulk was going to rip my neck off. One of the production assistants
on the show tried to explain to
the interpreter that I didnít know him and didnít mean to imply anything, it was simply a
The incredible pink Hulk.
The guy was inconsolable
though, why this bothered him so much is beyond me. Vladimir
meanwhile, who doesn't speak English
is still smiling trying to figure out what's going on. The interpreter said something to him
which upset Vladimir as well, I don't
know what he said, probably told him I said something like "Spanish players kill chickens
in the dugout"
because now Vladimir and his interpreter
both looked like they wanted to shove a bat up my ass. That's when I decided to make like
a tree and run! In hindsight it was funny but itís
real weird when someone reacts so
violently to a question that is really just silly. The interpreter was so upset he actually
called the head of MLB and complained
about me, like a 10 year old. I donít know what he said, I just picture a grown man yelling
"He said I was gay, he said I was gay!"
Anyway, I decided instead to use those questions on Hideki Matsui and his interpreter
who as one would expect both laughed
and had a great time with it. Just goes to show, what one person thinks is hysterical can
drive another person crazy, you never
can tell, thatís why itís pointless in life to try and make everyone happy, itís impossible.
Which now leads me to the "Attack of the red haired reporter."
As far as I'm concerned this guy was in a
league of his own when it comes to being pathetic. The majority of the sports reporters I
at these events are real good guys who enjoy and
appreciate the fact that they make a living basically watching sports. Iíve had so many of
them come up to me at
the events laughing and say itís fun to see someone asking the athletes different
have told me on numerous occasions
itís refreshing to not have to answer the same old things over and over. Some reporters
however, are frustrated athletes who
are upset and kind of hate the players. They resent that
theyíre not the ones getting all the attention.
Alex Rodriguez looks on concerned as Mitch is violently attacked by the bad red man.
Itís a minority of reporters, but they do exist and you can see it in their eyes.
Having said that, hereís what went down. I was asking my usual patented dumb
questions when we
got up to Alex Rodriguez
(the richest player in baseball coincidentally). He immediately struck me as one of the
really serious guys. Other players like Derek Jeter and Manny Ramirez are just real fun and
love laughing and
having a good time, theyíre the kind
of guys you really root for. Manny even started banging the table he was laughing so hard
when I spoke to him
Anyway, right before I asked Alex my question what wasnít on air is that Red haired
reporter who was standing on my right
had just finished asking Alex a long winded question that seemed to go on for an eternity.
He even stuttered at one point and
just seemed very nervous. After he finished
asking this pointless question Alex looked at him and basically said "Huh?" and blew
him off big time. It was really funny.
Then I stepped up and asked one of my serious probing questions, "How has moving to
third base affected your
sex life?" he laughed, gave an innocuous answer and then blew me
off as well .
Suddenly red haired reporter who
was seething due to his earlier failure turned to me and said one of the more bizarre
things I've heard, "Weíre working here."
Is that the most classic Dad line? I responded with "Oh, and I'm just using this
for my personal collection?"
The reporter from hell laughs in the background, giving Mitch a false
sense of security. Minutes later this red haired demon will attack Mitch with little
What kind of moron would say something that stupid? Iím there filming for the Tonight
Show which has 6 million viewers per
night, heís asking a question into a shitty tape recorder for some free paper no one
probably even reads, but somehow heís
the one working! So I, trying to offer him constructive criticism, mention that his
questions were boring. That was
the final straw. First being dissed by Alex Rodriguez then by comedian Mitch Fatel was
just way more than he could handle
and in one of the funniest moments I've seen he just basically unraveled live on TV. It's so
scary it's hysterical. If you look at
his eyes they look to me like they're actually possessed.
Whats even weirder is if you watch the piece you can
see "red haired reporter"
actually laughing earlier in the day while Iím interviewing Cincinnati Reds pitcher
Danny Graves (another one of the great guys by the way).
me and said I should have
punched the guy which I think would have been very stupid.
Those eyes! They haunt me in my sleep!
All that would
have done is get us both kicked
out of the press conference and we could have had our footage confiscated. Sometimes
the best revenge is letting the
person hang himself. Can you just imagine what his friends and family must have thought
when they saw that sick
maniacal look in his eyes.
He looked like a mental patient in front of 6 million viewers, how much sweeter
can it get? I always tell comics whenever you get heckled at a show if you show the
audience that the guy got to you,
then he has won. The key is to always act like you could care less. The minute you show
them they are important enough to matter to
you, they have won.
Now on to a few more pleasant matters. First was my meeting the future Mrs.
Fatel, Halle Berry.
I know this may sound crazy to those of you out there who donít know what love is but I
we are the first hollywood couple thatís going to make it.
Halle and Mitch. All we ask is that the paparazzi respect our privacy.
Who can deny we make a great couple? Weíre going
to be so happy together, I can see it now, weíll both come home after hard days at work,
her shooting movies,
me fighting with reporters, she'll be like "Honey can you please unhook my bra so my
massive breasts can rest
a bit" and Iíd be like "Oh Halle, weíre so happy together, lets make love right here on our
bear skin rug and then make some Velveeta Cheese and Macaroni"
Anyway, I really think Halle digs me. I
mean youíd be surprised
what having a sense of humor does for you. As Halle was walking out of her dressing
room at the Tonight Show
she saw me and said "Youíre so funny!" I was like "Wow, really can we get a picture" and
Halle and me are locked in an embrace that I will remember forever. I got the jungle fever
real bad, I canít stop
thinking about how thin she was and those big beautiful....eyes. She even told me she
wanted me to send her a CD,
which leads me to my final order of business..which is, "they'reeee heeere!"
Today Web boy received delivery of 3000
CD's ready to send out to all my fans who pre-ordered. Of course in the last journal
I mentioned it was released for pre-order and I have to say I didnít really expect many
people to order it on advance
but it sold way more than I expected. I was pretty impressed with myself.
So anyway, look for it to be delivered
this week. And if you were waiting for it to become available for immediate shipping than
today is your lucky day.
Just click on the CD cover to go to the store page.
It's at a really
cheap price now but it will be going up in a few weeks. I wanted
to put it out cheaper for the
first few weeks so that all my mailing list fans would get a good deal so jump on that shit
now! Oh also, Red haired reporter, make sure to send me your
address so I can send you a free copy. I won't however have time to send you a signed
picture, I'm way to busy
that, sorry but I'm working here!
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