Okay, first I’m going to start out by saying I’m insanely busy and I’m rushing so this may
be a pretty lame journal. To make up for that I’ll start right off the bat with a random
super hot girl who asked me to take a picture at one of my shows.
How hot is she? I think all that light around us is the sexual energy between us, either that
or it’s body odor. She will definitely make it into the next installment of Mitch’s ladies
which should be ready in about a month. If you have any pictures you want to get into
Mitch's ladies be sure to send them now to Pictures@mitchfatel.com. I will never ever get
sick of pretty girls who
want their picture with me. In high school these girls would never even talk to me
and now they let me see their vaginas and sometimes they even let me touch them! I
would be so happy to just see their vagina I’d be like, “Thank you so much for letting me
see your vagina” but sometimes they’re also like, “Would you like to touch my
vagina?” and that's just an extra special day. I'm always like, "Why yes, I would love to touch your vagina, thank you." I don't think I've ever declined the vagina touching offer. I've never been like, "Thank you so much, I would love to touch your vagina, but unfortunately I must decline your generous offer."
Speaking of vaginas you may remember a while back I said I was going to be writing an
article for Playboy, well it’s looking like the article should be in the
February 2005 issue. If that’s too long to remember just join the mail list and I’ll let you know
when it’s out.
I’m also going to be doing a few Tonight Show’s coming up. One
correspondent piece and one stand up to debut my CD. I should have that date soon and
will be sure to let everyone know. Wow, I’m becoming very successful! Not
bad for someone who slept through the majority of high school. I wasn't a bad student, I
just always knew that I would be a stand up comedian so I felt like class time was nap time
so I could have more energy to make everyone laugh during recess. Actually the most
exciting news I
have is I’m writing a show which hopefully will be on the air by next summer.
I can’t tell you anything about it because it's top secret but it’s so damn good it’s scary.
I honestly think it's going to be the funniest show in the history of the world (except for
the Munsters which, let's be honest, how can you beat that?). I'm psyched that I'm
actually involved in the writing because other people never really knew how to write for
me, plus I can put in lots of scenes where I make out with babes so this is a dream come
true! I'm just real psyched and I'm hoping it will be a hit so my Mom will stop asking me
why I
don't have my own TV show, cross your fingers.
In all my journals of the past, I have been quite jovial and good natured, however
something recently happened this month
that has left me in a sour mood. It's a stupid scam that I fell prey to and it really pissed
me off. I hate people
who scam people because they always play on you being a nice guy and force the world to
be a meaner place where you're forced to watch your back. Here’s the scam, being that I’m
undeniably cute I receive
quite a few picture requests per
month. I used to just send them out to whoever asked because I thought it was pretty
cool someone would want to hang
me in their room. As I started to become more and more known the picture requests kept
going up and soon I was getting
more than I could handle. I still wanted to send out pictures though because I really
think my fans are the coolest. Finally,
Me and Webboy Jason figured out that I would give out pictures to anyone who bought a
CD and
requested a picture. You know,
kind of a good natured trade off, it seems fair, it’s like, “Hey, if you want a picture, you
know, show the love and buy a CD.”
It’s only 12 bucks and if you like me enough to want a picture I assume you would want a
CD. So that has been our policy for
the last few months and it’s worked great. Every now and than though Webboy forwards
me a picture request that we
agree transcends our “No CD, no picture” policy. Here was one such e-mail:
Dear Mitch Fatel,
I'm a grandfather of two super girls; and, I have been collecting autographed pictures for
many, many years. Two years ago, for a Christmas present, I gave the girls some of my
extra, autographed pictures. They loved them. Now my grand-daughters and I all collect.
Would it be possible to obtain three, personalized, autographed pictures of you for our
collections? If you can help, I would like to thank you in advance; and the names are:
DIAMOND, KAYLEE and one more for me, RON.
If you cannot help, I will understand; however, PLEASE TRY!
It would be a super belated birthday present for me (May 22nd).
Thank you for your time. Good luck and God bless you and yours.
Wishing you and yours peace on earth,
Ron Roberson
Oh my god, peace on earth and god bless me and mines, I mean, what kind of depraved
sick individual wouldn’t send him
the pictures. Not only did I rush to the mailbox to send them to him and his granddarlings
but I also sent him an e-mail saying
how special I thought it was that he did this with his granddaughters. Of course, it never
occurred to me that a grandfather
watching me with his granddaughters is probably not the healthiest thing in the world. I
don’t know if my “doggystyle” bit
can really be considered “wholesome” entertainment. Regardless though I send out the
pics, my own postage and waited
for a thank you which oddly enough never came and I forgot about it. Then about a month
later I received this e-mail from
another “fan” :
Dear Mitch Fatel,
First of all, I would like to thank you for your time to read my email; as, I am sure you
receive tons of mail daily.
I am a mother of two VERY active boys; Mike and Timmy. They play all sports, and love it.
We started collecting autographs a few months ago, as a hobby we can do together.
We have gotten a few autographs; but, the boys run to the mail box each day to see if
there are more. Some days, yes; some days, no. The "no" days are bad days for the boys.
Would you be so kind as to help us with our hobby? You may change a "no" day into a
"yes" day.
Thank you again for your time.
Mother of two,
Karen Jacobs
Karen, you stupid ignorant slut. Did you really think I wouldn’t catch on at this point? Of
course there’s no Karen Jacobs
(Mother of two) nor is their any Ron Roberson and Kaylee and Diamond (the stripper
names should have given it away). Just to confirm my suspicions
I spoke with my friend Dave Attell,
host of Insomniac theater.
Dave agreed and told me he gets these e-mails too and it turns out they are autograph
houses and people who
collect pictures and then sell them on e-bay and shit like that. How much does this make
you hate these people? I can’t tell
you how sick it makes me that they actually play on you being a good guy to make money.
I hate you all. I hope Karen and
Ron Roberson jump off a bridge. As for the kids Mike and Timmy I hope you get chicken
pox and all the other kids beat the crap out of you and it messes you up for life. Other than that I
wish you the best.
Just a few more things. One of the greatest things about this business is the people you
meet.
I’m constantly meeting new, interesting and odd people. The odd are usually the best,
having said that,
meet Clonan, the Worlds number one Conan O’Brien impersonator. I was accosted by
Clonan at one
of my shows in Vegas.
 |
He was there for an impersonator convention or something and came by to see my show.
He was a really good guy but man it’s weird hanging with someone whose really not
someone who you’re hanging with because he looks like someone (did that make sense?).
I didn’t know what to talk to him about, I was like
“So have you ever met
Max Weinberg’s look-alike?” That’s when I know I’ve made it when someone is making a
living impersonating me,
that’s just got to be the biggest trip and really pretty freaky to know someone’s getting
paid to be you. People always
try to do impressions of me and it never really works, I sound like a perverted stroke
victim whenever they try. I am truly
an original. People are always like “How’d you come up with that character” which I always
find insulting because I
never set out to “come up with a character” It’s who I am, I think anyone who “comes up
with a character” is a phony,
and I hate phonies and I also hate people who ask for your picture under fake
circumstances those stupid stupid people,
I hope they all drive into a wall at high speeds causing internal bleeding and
complications.
Finally, Thank you very very much, that’s in response to the overwhelmingly good press
and fan mail from my new CD “miniskirts and muffins”. It’s been out approximately two months
now and I gotta tell you I would have released it a lot earlier if I had known how many
people were going to buy it.
You guys are blowing me away and I’m getting really amazing reviews. I just got a great
review from CringeHumor.net. I was so scared if they didn’t like it
because when they don’t like a comic they can be brutal to them, but thank god they liked
it and so I’m starting to think that I’m not nuts and this is a pretty great product. The best
reviews though are always the ones that come directly from the fans:
hey mitch. i just got your cd "miniskirts and muffins" in the mail
today. and i listened. and i loved!! i saw you a really long time ago on
carson daly's show. I thought you were most high and mighty, so i searched around the
interweb and i found your website
and i was waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting for your cd and
i was with you every step of the way of waiting and waiting and then
IT WAS DONE and i was so excited i soiled myself three times over and
you can bet it was kinda gross.
but anyway, point of the story is....you're awesome and if my
girlfriend wasn't such a prude i'd totally let you have sex with her.
she's really hot and im lucky to have both a hot girl and a cd that
kicks more ass than all the die hard movies combined.
keep being...uh...good.
rich bozek
Better than the Die Hard movies, now that guy deserves 5 pictures! I can even have his
girlfriend, I mean, that is a generous fan. It sounds like I may actually get to see and touch his girlfriends vagina so needless to say I'm on top of the world. By the way, if any fans out there have an overwhelming need to thank me for my brilliant work, Mr. Bozek has really happened upon a novel idea.
He’s a very wise man. I can think of no greater gift when Christmas rolls around : )
Well I tried really hard to keep this journal short because Webboy Jason is always on my
shit about journals that are too long, but I do want to say one more thing. I can’t tell you
how much I despise when people show me pictures of their nieces and nephews. I just
really couldn’t care less and I try so hard to care but have never really felt much
excitement, they look like kids to me and kids are okay but you know, they’re kids.
Then to prove I’m not bored having to look at them I tend to go so over the top that it
always freaks everyone out.
 |
I’m like “OH MY GOD, IS THAT YOUR FUCKING NIECE, HOLY SHIT, THAT IS THE…OH MY DO
YOU, COULD YOU SEND ME A COPY OF, OH MY GOD! Soon enough they’re like “It’s only a
fucking kid man” and I’ve blown my cover.
Having said that, how incredible is my niece Sydney? I mean seriously, am I right, how good do we look? Alright, I’ll stop, but for what it’s worth I will send out this
picture free to anyone who wants it and you don’t even have to buy a CD! First, you have
to compliment how cute she is though. So feel free to request one, except strippers like
Diamond and Kaylee, This site is for wholesome good honest people, not little sluts and
their degenerate grandfathers. Have a great month everyone!
: )
Mitch
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