It’s here!!! My new journal. I’m writing it so webboy will finally get off my back.
Every day he’s like “Dude, you work one hour a night, write a friggin journal.” I don’t know
why but it's a lot of work to write these. What happens is webboy yells, "Just write a fast
update of what's going on." and I do but then I start to think of all these funny things I can
add in and before I know it I'm rewriting it eight times. Maybe I have to start to skimp a bit
on the funny part. This one I’m going
to be non-funny and see if I can write it faster.
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I love my Mommy (maybe too much).
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I’ve actually never been so busy in my life. I’m
beginning to think I’m actually successful. I had a fight with my Mother the other day
because
I wanted her to admit she didn’t think I was going to make it when I told her I was going
to be
a stand up comedian. She’s all like, “Didn’t I sign you up in a comedy class when you were
fifteen?”
which she did but what she fails to remember was when she came to watch me do my first
show afterwards her first words were, "Wow, you really bombed"! Now becoming
successful is a double edged sword because she looks at me all high and mighty and
is like, “Well, I must have done something right because you’re getting famous” and I don't know
what to say. It makes me want to take a dive on my next Tonight Show, which by the way
is
this Wednesday the 24th, more on this later. I do owe my Mom a lot though because
she's very funny so I inherited her sense of humor. One of her all time funniest jokes was
when I was born someone asked her if she needed to take drugs during the delivery and
my Mom told them, "No" but she did need to take drugs during the conception. Now that's
some
funny shit. I also think my Mom is pretty but she
never smiled in any pictures.
I recently found a picture of my Mom and me on the beach when she was in her twenties
and I was
like “Wow, I would have totally done my Mom!” I’m really digging my parents now that I’m
an
adult.
 |
Why couldn't they have been this peaceful looking
when I was growing up?
|
We never got along when I was a kid
but now they’re older and mellowed out and I’m actually enjoying them. Something
happens to your
parents when you grow up, they suddenly become happy. Maybe they realize the mistake
of having
kids and realizing it was the single worst decision any two people could have made,
fades away when
you leave home.
My Dad who was a pretty tough guy when I was a kid is suddenly the biggest mush.
I love being with him,
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Fish with all the flavor burnt out of it!
Mmmm mmm disgusting.
|
though it’s still hellish to go out to a restaurant and watch him torture some innocent
waitress because she didn’t “Burn his fish” because when he says “I want my fish burnt!”
he means,
he wants it burnt! Don’t ask me folks, that’s how he likes his cuisine, burnt and absent any
of that annoying
taste that gets in the way of a good piece of charred fish. Listen, he’s 62 so let him eat his
fucking fish burnt,
that’s the way he likes it and who are we to tell him it’s wrong?
Webboy Jason whose also my producer called me all excited yesterday he’s like
“Dude, get ready for this!”
It turns out that Hustler magazine called webboy and wants me to be their guest reviewer.
I was like, “Review what?” Last I looked Hustler was just pretty girls with shaved vagina's, I
don't really need to review anything. I'm going to just say, "Yes, I'm a big fan".
Then he explained they want to send me porno movies and basically be like Roger
Ebert with an erection. (There's a thought that will make you throw up your burnt fish.)
 |
Could this be a mitch fatel 4 Penises up can't miss recommendation?
|
I don’t really understand how you “review” porn
though. I mean if it’s any good, it won’t be on long enough to review, if you know
what I mean. I don't think I'm going to do it. I mean, what if I'm good at it and become
like the "Porn guy" who everyone writes to with questions? I can see it now, Dear Porno
Mitch,
How come in Anal Intruder 69 the anal intruder gets away, do you think there will be a
sequel? Webboy thinks I should do it but he’s a
total publicity whore. He’ll try
to convince me to do anything that will promote my
CD. I’m scared I may actually get a
call
to participate in a porno movie and knowing webboy he’ll agree as long as they glue
a copy
of the
CD to my ass. I’m pretty sure
my unit isn’t big enough for porno though. It's a fine unit, but it's not "porno ready". I
would be a good starter kit for some
new
girl in the business but I fear a seasoned professional would be like “Cut, can we tie a
baseball bat
to his balls because this isn’t really working?”
I want to also wish everyone a Happy Thanksiving. I’m actually coming home on
Thanksgiving Day because I’ll be taping the Tonight Show the night before. Make sure
to watch, again, it’s Wednesday the 24th at 11:35PM on NBC. I think it’s going to be really
funny. It's a correspondent
piece from the National Dog show in Philadelphia which was really a great experience.
It even made me think about getting a dog. I fell in love with French Bulldogs. Man, those
French, they may be cowardly rancid smelling people but they sure got it right when it
comes
to women and dogs. I think the thing I like about French Bulldogs is apparently they don’t
really
like to do much. They pretty much want to lie around and watch movies so
basically it’s me, as a dog.
 |
My new best friend. We're going to grow old together and snore
as loud as we want.
|
I don’t think I could ever be one of those super energetic dog guys
that spends the day at the park throwing a Frisbee with their stupid dog, to me that’s just
valuable
time I can be reviewing porn. Plus, I also learned, that I have something in common with
French
bulldogs, we’re both cute and we both snore. It’s always sucked for me because every time
I meet
some hot babe I have to give them the disclaimer before they sleep over, “Hey, you don’t
mind not
sleeping the entire night do you, because I snore like a train.” My Dad is a big snorer but I
thought it would skip me because he’s a fatty and I’m a svelte 145 pounds but my luck,
instead
of inheriting his height (5’9 as opposed to my waifish 5’5) I inherit his damn snoring. One
time
I had a girl sleep over and my snoring was so bad I actually woke up with her staring at me
maniacally and her exact words were “Are you for real?”. I think that’s the reason I’m not
married,
forget that
fear of commitment thing I’m just scared my wife is going to stab me in the middle
of the night.
I need one of those girls who sleeps like a log.
I can’t stand those light sleepers, you know the kind
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where they wake up freaking out “What’s going on” with that stupid groggy look and
you’re like
“Nothing, I just blinked, go back to bed. What do you mean what's burning? I'm making
fish, go back to bed!”
Lastly, I want to give a shout out to all my fans in Minnesota who came out and
supported me when I played at Acme comedy club. You guys are really great fans.
The
girls are really hot too. Really hot and they have those silly Minnesota accents which is a
turn on in a wholesome, I wanna do you, yaahhh, kind of way.
Here's a picture of me with a hottie named Sara who
was a big enough fan to actually come to two shows so that definitely deserves a website
mention! Three shows and the prize is I get you pregnant so lets try for that next time
Sara! Okay, everybody, thanks for all your support and again have a great
Thanksgiving.
I’m very thankful this year for my great fans, my great family and oh my god, what a great
orgasm! Sorry, just practicing if I become a porn reviewer. See I can't not be
funny! It's just a curse. Damn you Mommy, damn you! Bye everybody.
Mitch
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