 Woo hoo! Man, that was a tough two weeks. I knew she could do it though. I told her if she just concentrated and pushed really hard it would happen and now I’m walking on air! I do want to give a shout out to God on this one. You really came through for me and as promised I will use a condom from now on. I have to tell you though, I hate those stupid condoms. I just can’t believe they actually sell these things. I keep thinking the guy who invented the condom did it as a joke. He was probably at the inventor meeting and was like, “Hey guys , this is my new invention to stop unwanted pregnancy, it’s a plastic bag and you put it over your penis, ha ha, ha ha?” And his friends were like “Stan, I think you’re actually onto something.” Everytime I use a condom the girl is like, “How does that feel?” and I’m like “Well it looks good, but I’m going to have to get back to you on the feeling part.” I went out with this one girl who kept condoms in her purse. I’m sorry that’s a bit scary. There’s a fine line between being responsible and being a professional. Maybe I’m naive but I don’t think my Grandmother, who had everything known to mankind in her purse, ever kept condoms in there. Old Chapstick, used tissues, five year old Chicklets, but no condoms. She did carry lube though, which looking back I realize is a bit odd.
This week I taped my CD in Minnesota and it went so great. So many people came out to be part of the taping. I felt so cool. Unfortunately now it takes mad long before it will be available. We taped 5 shows and they’re going to edit it down to one CD (including outtakes of a heckler whose ass I kicked, thank you very much).  They said they’re going to be able to get me a clip to post real soon. The actual CD won’t be available till September (If you want to be reminded when it’s out just send me an e-mail or put your self on the mailing list). I think it’s such a compliment that someone would want a CD of a comic. I mean once you’ve heard the jokes it’s kind of over so to know that people want to listen to it again and again is very special! Actually, that’s why I became a comic. When I was a kid I used to listen to Steve Martin's “Wild and Crazy Guy” obsessively. I always knew I wanted to be in showbusiness and Steve Martin made it clear for me in what capacity. Right after I heard that album I started taking a comedy class with an old vaudeville comic and at 15 I did my first show at a dinner theater. I brought my Mom and afterwards I asked her how I did and she said “Lets face it Mitch, you died.” So I guess that answers the question if my parents supported me. But I didn’t give up and soon I was actually pretty decent. I don’t really remember my jokes but I know I used to bring cookies and milk on stage and say that since I had school the next day I had to eat my snack while I was performing. If that didn’t tell you right then I would be a huge success than you had to be blind. Cookies and Milk on stage folks, I’m sorry, that's just a gift. The Vaudeville comic who taught the class was named Dick Lord. I’ll always remember Dick because he was the first person I ever saw smoke pot. We were in his study talking about my act and suddenly he lit up a joint and I was like “Holy shit, we’re going to get high!” He didn’t give me any though. Looking back I should have been like “Yo son pass dat shit over here!” But I was just a kid and let this selfishness pass unchecked. I’ve only smoked pot about 10 times in my life. I’m not a big pot guy. I think I actually like it too much, it just makes everything seem to good to me. I actually moaned once eating a pancake. I’m sorry but if eating pancakes makes you moan you’re in over your head. It’s when I started humping the waffles that I realized I had a problem.
The only drug I really love is Percocets.  These were the pills my doctor gave me after my back operation and all I can say is "that shit is fly!" I watched an entire episode of Full House  like it was The Godfather. I was like “My god, this is absolute brilliance, the Olson twins are poetry in motion.” I wondered how many wasted nights were spent performing when I could have been watching this stunning portrayal of the human struggle. Folks, if there’s a drug out there that makes Full House a magnum opus, that really should be your drug of choice. Thank god it’s available by prescription only because I think within two months I would be at a rehab center jonesing like a mother screaming that John Stamos was God. I’m pretty much done doing any drugs. I was toying with the idea of trying X because it seems that all the kids are doing it. I think I owe it to all my fans to know what they’re on. I don’t even know what X does but 18 year old Heather told
me it makes you have orgasms really fast which is really kind of the opposite of what I’m trying to achieve so I’m thinking maybe I’ll hold off for now.
Okay, so I guess I’ll wrap this one up. I’m home in NY for the rest of this week and then I’m off to Vegas for two. If you’re out there come by and say Hi to me at the Comedy Stop…and don’t forget, as always, if you bring Percocets you get in for free : ) mitch SUBSCRIBE Please send all comments to |
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