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I never thought it would happen to me. It was fall of 2001 and I had just 
been offered a gig in an unknown land called Laughlin. Laughlin is located
on the bottom tip of Nevada and borders Arizona. It's a town smack in the
middle of the Mojave desert and by lucky chance the Colorado River runs
through it. Someone had an idea that since gambling is legal in Nevada to
put in a few casino/hotels on the river. Sure enough it took off as a
tourist trap for California and Arizona residents who either want to gamble
or ride the river. The hotel I work at is called the Flamingo Hilton.
The audience at this hotel is unlike any other audience I
have ever played. It's basically a mix of two distinctly different groups.
The first group consists of 80 and over grandparents who play nickel slots
all day and yell at me to speak louder during my show.
The second group is 25-35 year old swingers who go to ride jet ski's
on the river and hook up with other couples for intimate
fun. If you haven't figured it out yet the young swinger part is a clue to
where the story is going.
Their names were Bob and Heidi (names have not been changed to protect the weird) Bob was a good looking surfer dude and Heidi was a statuesque big haired blonde. They were front row at my show and seemed from all outward appearances to be a "normal" couple. Numerous times I commented on Heidi's sexy outfit.  She was wearing a skin tight micro checkerboard mini dress and
her breasts, well let's just say her breasts were prominently displayed. It
was tough because they were right up front (the couple, not the breasts) and
it was hard to concentrate on my jokes with these fantastic missles staring
up at me. The show ended and being the usual bore I am, I got
ready to retreat to my room and eat my Subway hero
 (6 inch turkey, no cheese with Honey mustard). As soon as
I exited the show room though I was accosted by Bob. At first I thought
maybe he was upset that I had talked about his wife so much on stage. Quite
the opposite, Bob complimented me on the show and then, as god as my
witness said these fateful words, "Hey, do you want to f**k my wife?" My
knees buckled and for the first time I was speechless. Finally I managed a
faint "Scuze?" "Would you want to f**k my wife?" he repeated. Being that
this is a question I have not often had to ponder I simply continued to
stare bewildered. "My wife thinks you're cute and this would be my birthday
present to her" he explained. Well folks, that clears it all up doesn't it?
I mean, it's a present. A very unique and well thought out present if I may
say so. Of course I would never usually do something like this, but when I
found out it was a present I questioned how I could live with myself if I
turned down this couple in need. However, I didn't say Yes. I didn't
say No either. First I had some inquiries to make. My first inquiry was
simple. Was Bob planning on joining in the birthday festivities? "Where
would you be during the party?" I asked. Bob explained that he wanted to
watch but that was it, no touching, no groping, no killing, no taking
mitchies anal virginity, he simply wanted to observe. I still couldn't bring myself to say
Yes though. It's a very big step in a boys life to attend his first orgy. I said I would have to think about it.
I took their room number and promised I would get back to him after reflecting on this matter in private. "Heidi really likes you and she'll do
everything for you" he pressed. I told him I would have an answer for him in one hour. With that I retired to my quarters
and paced frantically for 59 minutes. Suddenly the clock ticked one more
fateful minute and the moment of truth had arrived. "What to do, what to
do?" It was then I happened to look over and notice that Larry King 
was on interviewing a diet doctor. The thought entered my head
like a bat out of hell, "Well Mitch, you can either spend the evening eating
a Subway hero and watching Larry King or you can have sex with a guys wife,
the choice is yours." Slowly my head rose from the ashes of uncertainty and
the once elusive answer rested slowly and comfortably on my concience. I was
needed in room 392 and I could not disappoint my fans. When I entered the
room Heidi was standing in lingerie (yes, just like in the movies). Bob was
sitting on the chair relaxed and smoking. For the future if my services are
ever needed again in this department I would prefer a smoke free
environment. A couple of pleasantries were exchanged but we all knew why I was there; we commenced to knockin da boots. As promised Bob just
sat in the corner and watched drinking a beer. The two questions I get most
often when relaying this story is A) Did I have a problem with, how should I
put this delicately, displaying my manhood to it's fullest extent? And B)
Did Bob really just watch the whole time? The answer to Question A is, Yes.
I did. However as I would soon learn Heidi was very good at what she did and
after a few minutes of me shaking and crying for my Mommy I relaxed and
became a full blown porn star directing the action like a pro.
As to B, Did Bob really just watch the whole time? I cannot tell a
lie. Halfway through it, Heidi called Bob over and, well, took care of her
man. True to his word though Bob was the consumate gentleman and never
took me for his bitch. When it ended they asked for a picture which I
stupidly declined. How cool would a picture of them be right now? Then it was just over, the fantasy was now a memory.
It's been 3 years since that fateful night. I don't know what ever happened to Bob and Heidi. I assume they simply moved on to the next cute comedian. Sometimes late at night, I close my eyes and picture that skin-tight checkerboard dress and think of Bob watching us in his undershirt, smoking his cigarette. I think, 'You know, call it sick, call it perverted, call it whatever you want, but for that one night, for that one beautiful night, we were a family.' A family who loved together and laughed together but most importantly a family that had sex together and well, that's just wrong. Terribly wrong. God bless you and your family on this Memorial Day weekend. mitch SUBSCRIBE Please send all comments to |
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