May 22nd, 2006

All I can say is god bless Myspace. God bless you and may you have a long and prosperous life my wonderful friend. I can't tell you how much I love this thing. No more wondering what someone looks like when they write you, simply check out their profile, masturbate to their picture (if warranted) read their bio and boom you know exactly what you got yourself into. I love the little saying next to their pictures too, it tells you instantly what you're getting yourself into. Anyone who writes stupid shit like "You can't hug with nuclear arms" you know it's a wacko and you don't add them. If you're not one of my friends make sure to sign up now. So many hot girls are my friends it's crazy.

Myspace Girl

I didn't even really know what Myspace was and then Webboy got me an account and suddenly boom everyone is asking to be my friend. I never had so many friends. Everybody wants to be my friggin friend, I love it. I wish I was this popular in high school. NO one wanted to be my friend in high school. Don't get me wrong, I was liked. I just wasn't popular. I think I was invited to two parties my entire childhood. Just to be fair, I wasn't not invited because the kids were mean, I wasn't invited because honestly I couldn't behave myself in other peoples houses. I was fine straight I just never really caught on how to act high or drunk. Some people just knew how to handle it but no matter how hard I tried I was the guy at every party who eventually started going crazy and tipping over the refrigerator and wiping my ass with the curtains. Soon one of the tough kids would have to be like "Dude, relax!" I rarely drink these days and I haven't gotten high in 15 years. It's really best that way. Now that I'm super famous whenever I go to shows people invite me to come drinking with them and when I say no they think I'm being snotty but I don't think they realize they wouldn't really like me drunk plus they would have to get new curtains the next day. My life is so straight it's scary. The only thing I really like to do is write my jokes, perform stand up and have sex with girls who look like they could be underage. I'm actually glad I can't handle drugs because chances are I would be a big time addict because everything else I like I do way to much. I've had so much sex in my life it's a wonder I don't have any diseases. I had one when I was 16, I forgot what it was, all I know was it burned when I peed and my dad had to bring me to the doctor who gave me a shot and told me to use a condom from now on. Why can't STDs be good, why does it have to make bad stuff happen to you? Like if you get syphillis instead of it burning when you pee why can't it just make you come whipped cream. Then your girlfriend could be like what have you been doing silly, you taste wonderful. Come on, let's go make a cheesecake!

Also this week I set a personal best for whoring when I worked a Bar Mitzvah. Yes you read right, a Bar Mitzvah. For you non jews that's a Jewish party for a boy turning 13 years old and it symbolizes him becoming a man even though you still look like your 10. Look at me at 13.

Does this look like a man to you?

Before you judge, I turned it down TWICE and they kept coming back with more money. Finally they offered me so much money I would have agreed to drive all the kids home after the party as well. I guess it proves everyone has their price. I even told the people that my act wasn't meant for 13 year old kids and I wouldn't change it at all. They kept insisting though they were big fans and their kids would love it. So before you can say "MAZEL TOV" there I was in front of a group of 70 thirteen year olds asking them if they masturbated. I felt better after I found out Tom Petty and 50 cent have also worked Bar Mitzvahs. I thought if it's good enough for "Fity" it's good enough for Super Retardo.
It went okay by the way, the kids were actually cool and they all enjoyed it. Of course some of the kids parents weren't to happy. Afterwards the MC told me a typical jewish mother (i.e. Annoying Yenta) in the audience lost it when I talked about masturbating and started screaming at her husband "Oh my god, oh my god, Oh my God!" but other than that it was fine, the parents were happy, I was happy and had a big fat check in one hand, a nice piece of Challah in the other and my dignity in the toilet. Now all I have to do is go get high to forget the shame!


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