I have a new CD. I’m married. That’s my life right now. It has been many, many moons since I’ve written a journal. It’s been even more moons since I’ve said “It’s been many, many moons."
Mitch's new stand-up comedy album "Public Display of Perversion" available for pre-order NOW.
In fact, I think it’s the first time I’ve ever said it and now that I realize the absurdity of saying something like this, especially since I don’t keep track of the moon or anything astronomy-wise for that matter, I will never ever say it again. The reason I haven’t written in awhile is that I have a problem with writing journals. I enjoy them, but I also have an obsession with making everything funny and I used to spend so much time writing and rewriting this journal, that sometimes it took me two weeks to write it. I would rather put that time into writing jokes for my act...which gets me paid and also gets me girls, and got me a wife...more on this later. But I’ve decided to write one today because fans keep asking, “When are you going to write a new journal?" So, here it is you lucky bastards. Lots has changed since I last journaled. In addition to being married, I have also given up masturbating completely...100%. I have - on my honor - not masturbated once in over two years. I usually don’t bring this up since most people think I’m lying when I say it and I’m sick of fighting them on something that I know I’m telling the truth on, and they “know" I’m lying. It isn’t a lie, though. Honestly, I haven’t masturbated once in over 2 years. The follow-up question I expect, but have never heard, since most people think I’m lying is, “Why the fuck did you stop masturbating?"
There are a lot of reasons and I’m not going to get into all of them or this journal will be all about me masturbating (or not masturbating, as is the case). The main reason - the most compelling one is - my penis was blown off by a landmine when I was in Cambodia on my honeymoon.
Say it loud and say it proud.
If that’s not enough, I feel like masturbating saps a man of his testosterone and vitality - his natural ability to want and have sex in a very masculine way. I also feel, probably very controversially, that it leads to infidelity. I’m not here to debate this. I just feel it and have lots of proof and reasons to back it up, which I will detail at a later date. I’m not telling you to stop masturbating. I set records when I was doing it, so I’d be hypocritical. Just realize that every time you spill your seed, you’re losing valuable testosterone that you can use to satisfy your wife, girlfriend, hooker, massage therapist, family*. (*Alabama only)
Besides this monumental announcement, I also want to announce my first new CD since 2006: Public Display of Perversion, which is about to drop in March. I think it’s easily the best CD I’ve made since Miniskirts and Muffins. I’ve never been a huge fan of Super Retardo, even though I’m aware its many people’s favorite.
Public Dispaly of Perversion drops March 12th 2013, but you can pre-order a copy NOW.
I just think I should have waited a bit longer to make Super Retardo because now, when I listen back, I realize the bits got better over time and I should have waited till they were more polished. So, my answer to that was to wait way too long to make Public Display of Perversion, to make sure it was super polished, and I’ve been rewarded with what I think is the best CD ever! But you be the judge. (Pre-order it here and tell me you love me or you disagree)
A lot of my fans know that I’m married now and I really want to say that I appreciate the support I’ve received. A lot of other fans, however, are worried, saying that getting married is going to change me and I won’t be as funny or have as much of an edge as I used to. I understand their sentiment because I’ve often felt this with other artists... (Did someone say Billy Joel?) or with football players... (Tom Brady actually used to throw the ball to his own guys before he got married). I can state 100% that this will not be true when it comes to my marriage. Why?
Happily married couple. Mitch and Jessica shooting the photos for Public Display of Perversion.
Easy. Those other guys married stupid girls. Sure, Christie Brinkley and Giselle are hot...but they are not freaky, crazy, sexy bisexuals that like to have orgies. That’s my girl in a nutshell. Jessica is a total freak who enjoys having sex with other girls, enjoys watching me have sex with other girls and basically enjoys everything a guy dreams his girl would enjoy. Actually, she’s way more of a freak than I ever was and is actively trying to get me to do stuff that even scares the shit out of me! (i.e. sex in a movie theater, sex on top of the movie theater, sex with everybody in the movie theater) It’s impossible for my act to get boring when I’m married to such a crazy girl. Batman only got stronger when he added Robin. Now imagine if he added Batgirl and they all had sex with Catwoman while the Joker watched and masturbated. That pretty much sums up my life right now. So if you’re an old-school Mitch Fatel fan, just give it some time and I promise you the best work I’ve ever done.
In conclusion, I’m going to journal again next week and continue this discussion, so you can get to know more about my new life. But just so everyone knows, I’m happier than ever and I’m also funnier than ever. Come to my next live show and if you don’t think I’m still hysterical, I’ll give you a free CD...no questions asked. But you better be very honest and you have to have sat through the whole show without smiling once or getting a single erection. This is all on the honor policy, so don’t lie or you will have bad karma and your penis will get blown off by a landmine in Cambodia. Believe me, that smarts! Don’t live with that pain, just buy the CD.