mitch's journal

April 1, 2006

Super Retardo is flying high! I always knew I would be famous but this is getting crazy. I'm like a superstar or something. I even think I may be able to heal people. I'm not saying I can cure cancer but if you have like a really bad cough I'm pretty sure I can touch you on your breasts (girls only) and send that cough right back to Satan. Where do I begin? First, I just got back from the Aspen Comedy Festival where I, Mitch Fatel, was voted Best Stand Up Comic 2006.

This really meant a lot to me. When I was accepting the award I got choked up since I had never won anything before. It really messed me up because all I ever wanted to do since I was a kid was be a stand up comedian. So many people said I wouldn't make it so to actually win this is incredibly validating.
It also must make people who said I wouldn't make it feel like total dicks. I don't know what this really changes except I guess it's something cool to put on my shelf. If a girl ever wants me to wait to have sex I can point to the trophy and be like, "Are you really sure you want to make the 2006 Comedian of the Year wait? I don't want to tell you how to live your life, but you may never have the chance again to sleep with the best comedian in America. What's that? You need help taking off your bra, well of course, I would be happy to assist you". Speaking of bras get this, I come home from Aspen, high as can be (from the award and the lack of oxygen) and just as things don't seem like they can possibly get more exciting I get my first breasts. Well, I don't "get" my first breasts, that would be a sad story. I actually "signed" my first breasts."
First Breasts

You heard right, at one of my shows in Vegas this really hot girl came up to me after my show and asked me to sign her perky cute adorable little breasts. This story wouldn't be that great if she was some slob but she was this lovely little girl with these delightfully buoyant titties. She wasn't kidding either, she didn't want the part over her breast signed, she wanted the breast signed, the breast where the nipple is which makes it the official real deal breast, not the cleavage bullshit some other comics sign. This of course means, yes, she had to pull down her shirt for me. Thank you Jesus. You have done well by me lord and in my next life you can make me some lunatic Muslim who fucks his camels and I will not complain.

So now that I'm back from Aspen I'm talking with Comedy Central about doing my half hour special. I also just did VH1's best week ever thing. It's so easy, you just sit in a chair and say stuff like, "Britney, your ass is expanding girl!" Also on April 6th make sure to watch the Tonight Show with Jay Leno as I'm making my triumphant return to stand up that night. Believe it or not it's been almost 5 years since I did stand up on that show. They're letting me come on to promote my CD, Super Retardo, which is being released into stores on April 4th. Please tell everyone to buy this CD when it's in stores. If it's not a hit then I'll be screwed and won't be able to heal people anymore. Most everyone reading this I'm assuming has already gotten a copy online so just push your computer illiterate friends to go into stores and get it. Man I gotta tell ya, once you put out your own CDs you realize why musicians get so pissed when people illegally download stuff. This guy came over to me at a show and was like "Dude I fucking love you man. I would buy a CD but I already illegally downloaded it" and I felt like I was kicked in the gut.
The worst was he thought I would laugh like "Ha ha ha I worked my ass off and you just stole it from me, that's hysterical, I hope you die in a fiery car crash. I mean if I was Eminem at least I would be a millionaire but I'm a comic living in friggin Hoboken so I could use that cash. I just felt like if the guy was really a fan he could lay down a few bucks and show the love. Oh, and one other thing. speaking of making money, I've been getting tons of e-mails from people asking me for Gene Simmons' gum. If you don't know what I mean, watch my Tonight Show Grammy report click here. The jist of it is Gene Simmons put gum he was chewing in his mouth into my mouth
Gene's Gum

and I kept the gum in a bag because everyone was saying it would be worth money. Sure enough I started getting e-mails from people saying they wanted to buy his gum. I've decided to just auction it off on e-bay. Click here to bid: Gene Simmons Gum. I guess if you've ever wanted a rock star's gum your time has come. Actually now that I think about it, it's probably worth double because it's also got Super Retardo's DNA on it as well so it's an incredibly rare gem. I'm sure some Saudi Prince will start the bidding at 10 million rubles. I'll make you a deal, If I become rich off this gum you have my permission to illegally download everything I've ever done in the history of my life. Until then pay the stupid 14 bucks though, deal : )


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