Jesus I have a lot to report. I guess I can't run from the truth any longer, I'm a humoungous success. Looking back I realize I've been running from this undeniable fact for some time now, but there comes a time when you have to stop and admit you're a winner!

Stuff Magazine's "Album Cover of the Month"

I really wish all the teachers who told me I would never amount to anything could see how well my CD Super Retardo is doing. Not only is it a highsterical CD and selling like hotcakes but I just found out it was named Album Cover of the Month in Stuff magazine. Someone had told me and then I looked all over to try and find out if it was true. I couldn't find it anywhere and couldn't remember who told me so I started to think it was a dream. Then I was telling my video editor Ryan that I had this crazy dream someone told me Super Retardo won best album cover and he looked at me like I was retarded and said, "Dude, I'm the one who told you that yesterday!" He's still convinced I'm on drugs but I wasn't I just have been exhausted lately and forgetting everything. I finally ran out and got it and sure enough February Stuff Magazine, Page 39 Super Retardo Best Album cover of the month. I'm sorry, that is fucking cool! It's just a great feeling because Webboy and Dean Haspiel the illustrator and myself put so much time into it and then to see it in a huge national magazine is incredibly orgasmic. By the way if you have both of the CD's please write me and tell me which one you like better. Everyone keeps saying they "love the CD's" but I'm dying to know which one people like better.

If that's not enough this week two girls sent me scantily clad pictures of themselves. I mean come on, did I make a great career choice or what? I've definitely hit the happiest point of my life. I get so much fan mail it's crazy. Most of it just asks when I'm coming to a certain town so Webboy finally set up my e-mail list to specify states so that people in each state can know when I'm coming there and they can come out and show me their love and miniskirts. Make sure to sign up and If you're already on the old list you should definitely re-apply so you can be notified when I'm coming to your wonderful town. If you don't re-apply you'll still get my e-mails but you won't get ones that are just specific to your state (ie: get your miniskirts ready ladies Mitch is coming to Idaho)

David Lee Roth

I'm also excited because the Tonight Show just called me and said that since I covered the Super Bowl three years in a row would I mind if they sent Tom Arnold this year and send me to the Grammy's instead? I was like, Hmm, the chance to meet and potentially put my penis in Mariah Carey (it could happen, remember my teachers also said I wouldn't make it as a comedian) or hang out with sweaty football players, what a tough decision! So needless to say I'm going to the Grammy's this year. Plus I just found out Green Day is going to be there so I'm incredibly jazzed. I always wanted to be a rock star as a kid but now I realize being a comedian star is way better. Rock stars age horrible due to their fucked up lifestyle. They always look so stupid when they get old. Has anyone seen David lee Roth lately, that guy was my hero when I was a kid now he looks like a dentist that snorts his own novacaine. Anyway my report from the Grammy's is going to air on February 9th at 11:35 EST (NBC) so make sure to tune in.

I also want to give a shout out to Punchline magazine which is this great online comedy magazine who did an interview with me that is easily one of the best ones I ever read. Click here to read it. The guy did a really in-depth good job and I'm really happy with it. Speaking of online what's up with this Myspace thing, it's fucking exploding. I didn't even really know what it is and one day Webboy was like "Dude I got you a myspace account." I didn't even think much of it until all these hot girls started leaving these comments for me that gave me instant erections. They write stuff like, "Mitch I love it doggystyle" with a picture of themselves so you instantly know if your erection is being wasted on some girl that looks like Cedric the Entertainer or a bonified hottie. .