mitch's journal

December 15, 2004

It’s official, Renee and I are in love and we've decided to use this journal to announce it to the world. I’m talking of course about the beautiful Renee Zellwegger who I met at my last Tonight Show appearance. To say we hit it off is the understatement of the year. She loved me!
Renee told me that I had her at "hello".

Okay, I may be exaggerating here but she did tell me she thought I was funny which I took to mean she wanted to make beautiful love. I was a little bummed to see her new dark hair because I know people are going to be like, “That’s not Renee Zellwegger!". However, on close analysis you will see I lie not to you, it is the pouty queen herself. The thing about these actresses that blows me away is they are so incredibly tiny in person. What's even scarier is when I see myself next to them and realize I'm pretty much the same size. (Renee is wearing heels in this picture so it's not as bad as it looks!) I’ve been lucky enough to meet two incredible starlets this year, first Halle Berry and now Renee. You really don't have any idea till you meet them how insanely small they are. I sat up in my dressing room watching Renee on the monitor and when I met her backstage I was like “Someone get my girl a chicken sandwich!”.
Feed me Seymour!

I'm assuming someone that really does look tiny on TV like that Olsen twin must be the walking dead. By the way, is it me or is that Olsen twin's head look enormous on her tiny body? She looks like a starving Muppet to me. It's no wonder she's so skinny, do you know how much energy it must take lugging around that supersized head all day? Seriously though, just putting my arm around Renee I thought I would break her she seemed so fragile. I would hate to break Renee Zellwegger, that would be the end of my career. People would be like, “Hey that’s the guy that broke Renee Zellwegger”. The other thing I noticed is both Renee and Halle were incredibly nice people. I’ve heard others like J-Lo are really stuck up. People aren't even allowed to make eye contact with her backstage. Legend has it that if you look at her ass you burst into flames! But both Renee and Halle were great and though I don't want to be tied down I may consider dating one of them.

I hope everyone reading this got to see my Leno piece from the Philadelphia Dog Show because I thought it was one of my better ones. If you didn't see it, it will be rerun on December 30th at 11:35 EST (nbc).
Dog Show
Mitch with man's best friend (Well second best after...well after you know)

The thing that makes me proud is I did it on just four days notice. I wasn’t even supposed to do it, Kevin Smith (Director of Clerks and Chasing Amy) was actually supposed to but got detained working on a film so they called me to pinch hit. When they asked I was apprehensive because it usually takes me a few weeks to write these pieces but I really liked the challenge of seeing if I could come up with a good piece in four days. I know it looks improv mostly but I do spend hours coming up with funny lines and bits to do with these people.
Kevin Smith
Silent Bob

Renee (my girlfriend, see above) was like, “Oh my god, you must have loved being at the dog show.” I was like “Oh yeah” even though I didn’t. Not that I didn’t like it, it’s just when I’m doing a piece I’m never really “enjoying” it, I’m usually freaking out trying to think of more funny things to do. People are always like, “It must be so fun to go to Super Bowls” and the truth is not so much. I mean it’s cool to be there but I’m always so focused on not stinking up the piece that I can’t really enjoy the festivities. I'm kind of nuts. If I do a bad piece I won’t sleep for nights. Plus it costs the Tonight Show so much money to do these so I'm totally aware that it has to be worth it. Last year in Houston just to do a live satellite shot I found out it costs more than 10,000 bucks, just for the intro. All I’m saying is “Hey Jay, I’m in Houston…roll the videotape” and boom that’s more money then some people make in a year, or if your homeless more money than you'll collect in cans in a lifetime. Speaking of the Tonight Show I’m hoping they’ll let me come on and do my stand up now. They’ve been putting off my stand up set for so long now because they keep offering me these correspondence pieces, which are great but I’d really like to do this great stand up set I have waiting.

The other cool thing about the Tonight Show this time around was they plugged my CD. This may not seem like a big deal. All Jay does is at the end of the show hold up the CD and say “Mitch’s CD miniskirts and muffins is available at his website”
Tonight Show
"Miniskirts & Muffins" on the Tonight Show

(Jay says click here to order a copy).

No big deal right, except that approximately four and a half million people see it. BLOW your fucking nose dude!!! (Sorry, but I’m writing this on a plane and some sick douche bag next to me keeps doing that disgusting snorting their snot back into their throat noise and it's just killing me!) Okay sorry lets go back to the journal. So like four and a half million people saw Jay hold up my CD and say the name of it, that still blows me away. That means if .1 percent who saw it buy my CD then I'll be rich enough to buy my own airplane and throw drippy snotboy here out the god-damn window!

Okay, guys that's my real fast holiday update. I wish I could say I loved this season but honestly I find it the most over-rated stressful time ever. I’m always freaked that the gifts I buy for people are going to suck and I hate having to open stuff and act like I like something I’m never going to use, Almost every gift I open I feel like Mary-Kate Olsen must feel when they bring her a sandwich, "What am I supposed to do with this?" My favorite day of the year is January 1st. I feel like that’s the day when everybody really relaxes. I love getting up, getting a big breakfast, thinking of all my wonderful friends and….Ewww, he just sneezed all over, I'm so grossed out right now. If there is a God in heaven, I beg of you please make this man choke to death on his own disgusting snot. Happy Holidays everyone!
: )


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