November 20, 2007

I'm actually thinking of getting a tattoo. Wow, I never thought I would actually utter those words. My whole life I've pretty much been against tattoos. I just thought everyone else was doing it and I've always tried to stay away from what everyone else is doing. That's one of the reasons I never give girls flowers. I just can't stomach the thought of doing something that everyone else does. Don't get me wrong, I have "bought" flowers for girls once they've made it clear this act is connected to touching their vagina, but I've never felt it in my heart. Most romantic stuff to me is so hack.

I would always rather do romantic stuff that's creative to me, like buy lingerie... with flowers on it! See how that works? Instead of going to a romantic movie I would rather bring a video camera and make our own romantic movie. That's just how I am : ) I like to think outside the box, is what I like to do. By the way, what the fuck does that mean? I've never thought inside a box so how can I think outside of it. Sometimes sayings get started because we didn't call people on it soon enough. It's very sad to me. Forget the box, I just always try in life to avoid doing stuff that I don't deem creative and to me tattoos seemed kind of boring. It was always the same stupid tribal tattoo one after the other. The worst were 18 year old girls who get chinese writing that says "Fortune" or something on it. At least get something useful like you're favorite dish that way when you go into a chinese restaurant you can just whip out your tit when you want fried rice. Every now and than though I would meet a guy or a girl (mostly girl) who had a cool creative tattoo and I couldn't help but be impressed. The ones I always seemed to like were always subtle and understated. A cool gold star under someones ear or one girl I remember had Valentines Candy hidden on her neck behind her hair and I thought it was so sexy. I just love subtlety. Even in my comedy I feel like my best jokes aren't necessarily the ones that get the biggest laughs. So many of my best jokes are little asides or off the cuff remarks or tags. When I did my first Letterman show back in 1996 I was forced to wear a suit. Forced because if you read my past journals you'll see that I hate performing in anything other than a t-shirt or cool jacket. The letterman show insisted I wear a suit even though I had never worn one in my life. I was lucky because I was able to get past it and I destroyed even though I was miserably uncomfortable. While I was performing I was so excited that out of nowhere I blurted out "I'm wearing a suit!". It got a small laugh from the audience and I went on never realizing that the next day that's all anybody would be talking about. That stupid subtle remark. Everyone kept saying on my answering machine "Hey, I'm wearing a suit!" I even kept the cassette from the answering machine of everyone saying it. (Yes, back in 1996 we used cassette answering machines and coincidentally my beautiful girlfriend now was only 10 years old at the time! God I love life). I think it's so telling that that little remark stuck with people like that. I think it proves that life is about subtlety and so getting back to tattoos I always thought, if I could find the perfect subtle tattoo for me I would do it. Well, I finally found it and I'm getting it on New Years. So what am I getting? Well, to show my love of comedy I'm going to get a full back tattoo of Jesus Christ with a microphone, do you love it? Seriously, I'm not going to tell you what I'm getting that way everyone who reads my journal will have to come and see me and if you ask me I'll show you. It's going to be very small and it's going to be on my ankle.
Did I tell you the one about Judas and Mary Magdalen?

I'm getting it on New years day since I have a pact with my girlfriend whose going to get the same thing in a different color. Kind of a bonding thing. Here's a hint, it's an animal and like me, it's cute, smart, loyal and loves sex. Take a guess?

Now, perfect seque, speaking of Animals, you can see your favorite retarded comedian this coming Sat, Nov 24th @ 10pm ET on Animal Planet. They're doing a special called "Wild On: The top ten animals of all time" and they have comics commenting on the Animals and they asked me to stop by and make some comments. It's just a small thing and I don't know if it's funny or not but I had a good time doing it. (Hint: One of the top ten animals is the tattoo I'm getting). Also, I recently ate an oreo for the first time in years yesterday. I haven't been boycotting Oreo's or anything, I just don't buy them because I possess no willpower when it comes to cream filled cookies. It's like crack to me, I promise I'll just have one and then shove the entire box in my mouth on the ride home and before you know it they'll find me nauseous with cream all over my face in some ditch.
Anyway, I thought it was time because I haven't had one in so long so I bought a box (double stuffed, I make that kind of money now) and I promised myself only 4 cookies a day and I'm doing it, I'm so proud! I gotta tell ya though, shit, that is a good fucking cookie. Someone could be anally raping me in a ditch and if they gave me an oreo I would be like, "Tell me when you're done, can I have some milk?" Some other news, My Comedy Central special is being re-run in January so look for that, but also make sure to write to Comedy Central and request it. The more it's requested the more they will re-run it. The more they re-run it the more famous I become, the more famous I become the more Oreo's I can buy for all my fans!

My career is moving, I'm going to be going on the Bob and Tom morning radio show November 26th for the first time ever (click here for a list of local affiliates). I've heard lots of good things about those guys so I'm totally psyched. I'm doing a ton of new dates, look here to see if I'm coming to your town. I have about 20 minutes of brand new jokes so do whatever you have to do to get your ass there. I'm going to all these new places across the country so hopefully all the people who yell that I don't come to their town will be happy. I'm going to some cool places, I've never been to Denver (July 24th - 27th), DC (August 14th - 17th 2008), Virginia Beach (August 7th - 10th), and Brea California (Jan 3-6) , so all you hot girls get your miniskirts on and cool guys get ready to buy me drinks after the show (I like girl drinks so none of that Jagermeister or manly gross stuff, I like Melonballs, mmm, that's what drinking is all about!). Maybe I'll get really drunk and we'll all go out and get tats!


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