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April, 2009
It has been a very long time since my last journal and my fans have been clamoring for more. Okay, I'm lying, no one's actually clamored but I have had a few people inquire as to why I wait so long between journals so I'm
going to try to be better. Anyway, to those that did clamor, hold on tight because you're dreams have been answered,
ahead of you lies..my first new 2009 journal.
One of the reasons it took so long to write this is I'm the busiest comic in the entire world!
I'm kind of psyched because I just found out the Tonight show is going to be airing a compilation of correspondent pieces on one of their last shows and I'm in it, so that's kind of a piece of history. Speaking of that, my last bit I thought was one of my best. If you didn't see it I went to the
Winter X Games in Aspen.
It really was incredible. Not just me, even though I am incredible, but
to be there and see these amazing sports and athletes was super cool. Not only were the athletes amazing but the female ones were friggin babes.
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Ski Babe
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It's not fair that someone can be that
hot and also so good at something. I never knew how many beautiful women are top skiers in our country. Sarah Burke, Torah Bright, Gretchen Blieler, each one was hotter then the next. Another one of the hot ones, Hannah
Teter who won a Gold in the Olympics in snowboarding was totally into me. I could tell she liked me while she was
giving me a snowboard lesson.
I was liking her back, until the "incident". It was one of
the most shocking and horrific things I've seen and it has changed me forever. Let me set this up. Hannah is
a hot 22 year old snowboarder who is also kind of like a hippy. She's really into giving all her money away for good causes and shit
(she's already like a billionaire which are the only people that can do stupid stuff like that).
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Hannah Teter and Mitch at the Winter X-Games
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About 2 or 3 years
ago she visited Kenya to find Barack Obama's dad or something. When she was there she saw all those kids with
flies all over them and stuff, she was so touched and I guess disgusted (who doesn't hate flies) that she's dedicated
all her prize money to them to buy like fly swatters or something. I personally think she should dedicate
all her prize money to the Mitch Fatel Lingerie Fund, we do some really good things here and won't stop till every
girl has hot stuff to sleep in. But I digress, so
here I am filming this piece with Hannah for the Tonight Show and I can tell she's totally into me. I then did this
bit where I asked her to take off her shoe and sock so I could play with her toes. It seemed funny at the time.
At first she protested and then I just was like, "Come on, do it" So she lets me pull off her sock when suddenly
it hit me like a ton of razors...Hannah Teter, world class gold medal athlete does not shave her legs!
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Hannah Teter's Legs
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Yes folks, I'm not making this up, I couldn't make up such a hideous thing. She's got the hairiest
man legs I've ever seen in my life. Not only did that horrify me, but it lead me to think other things, that
I didn't want to think. I started putting one and one together, which yes, you guessed it equals, Hairy Vagina,
Ahhhhhhhhhh (dramatic horror music) the arch enemy of vagina's everywhere. Even the kids in Kenya would want to
beat themselves with their new fly swatters if they knew this. Now I'm all for being natural...wait what
the hell am I saying??? Of course I'm not for being natural, being natural is disgusting! And by the way, I hate
women who say it's sexist for a man to ask a woman to shave her legs and or armpits and/or taint, because lets
be honest if all of us decided to take that same tact as Hannah we wouldn't shower, men
wouldn't shave their faces, no one would floss, soon you'd have a bunch of stinky, bad breathed, long haired bearded freaks...we'd be the French basically is
what I'm trying to say. Now I know, of course, what everybody is thinking, "Would I sleep with her?" And of course the
answer is, "Duh, of course I would." I don't know if I would be able to actually get excited but I mean, when was the last
time you got to sleep with a Gold medal Olympian, hairy vag or not? I wonder though how I would perform with hairy legs
wrapped around me, I'd probably just picture Sarah Burke the whole time.
I would just be interested to see if a gold
medalist is the same in bed as a regular girl, how her dismount is etc. Anyway, she's a big fan of mine and said she's
sending me some cool Hannah Teter merchandise.
I'll take pictures of it if she does and post them. I, of
course, will be sending her back a 3 pack of Lady Bic's.
Let's hope she gets the message. I hope she doesn't read
this though, I'm pretty sure this would ruin our love connection. Even if she does though I would get her to forgive me
by washing a Kenyan in my tub or something, then I'm sure all would be forgiven. God love the hippies, so easy to please.
Mitch
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