March, 2008

I've decided to finally give in and start a Facebook site. I gotta tell ya, Facebook has really taken off. I didn't think anything could touch Myspace but I have been getting a lot of e-mails from people wanting me to start a Facebook site. Plus, there's already some poser kid in Colorado who has started his own site as me. If that little bastard gets laid off my name I will smack him in to tomorrow. Unless of course he sends me pictures of his conquests, then all is forgiven. So if you're an amazingly cool fan and want to join my new Facebook site, click here. If you're a sucky smelly fan, well you can join to but keep it to yourself. Speaking of cool fans, I just want to thank everyone for pulling through for me and voting me #6 in the Comedy Central Standup Showdown. Man that felt good and I got like 5 million new fans just from that contest so I owe everyone a massage.

Thanks for voting for me!

The other important thing I wanted to cover in this journal was the increasing number of people writing me asking how to "become" a comedian. I find this question a little off putting because honestly I don't really think you "become" a comedian, it's just kind of "you" and there's really no one way to do it. How do you start? Easy, just do it. I hate resorting to a Nike commercial as advice but it's true. Just get on stage and perform. It all falls into place from there. Once you get on stage you will have that sink or swim feeling that has worked for millions of years when someone wants to see if they can do something. Do this for a few months and you will know if you're good and meant to do it or in some cases that you suck, but you're still meant to do it. Stand up is not like college where you earn a degree and then you're a comedian. It's nothing that can be taught. However, there are definitely some basics and so to help out everyone who writes me about this I will now offer my 3 step basic intro course "How to become a comedian'. Probably won't help many people because the truth is most people are not comedians. Most people can be funny sometimes, some people are even funny a lot, but this oddly enough has very little bearing on if you're meant to be a comedian. Read on, if you dare.

The Mitch Fatel Guide for how to become a comedian (or how to get a girl to show you her panties when you're not good in sports and don't have a nice car):

Step One: Have a shitty childhood. This is imperative, your adolescent life has to be filled with longing, loneliness, and a need to be accepted (Also a healthy dose of paranoia and belief that people are always talking behind your back can only help out the comedic mind). I know some people argue that some stand up comics had good childhoods.
Future Comedian. (Notice the sense of desolation and longing. This kid's future is filled with hot sex in lonely hotel rooms)

Have you ever been watching a stand up comedian and you're like "This guy sucks!"? Those are the ones who had good childhoods. All real comedians know those guys got where they are because everyone just likes them (part of the positive of having a good childhood) and can't bare to tell them they suck. There is no way getting around it. You cannot be a great comedian if you're normal. If you had a good childhood, do everyone a favor and step aside. You're going to have a happy life without comedy, you don't "need" it. You may "want" it, but I want to play baseball, doesn't mean I need it. If you pursue comedy because you "want" it you'll never get anywhere and live a miserable existence until you decide to get a real job and hot wife who will have a fupa in 15 years. If you pursue comedy because you "need" it you still probably won't get anywhere but at least you'll fool yourself into thinking you have some sort of purpose in this world.

Step Two: NO EGO Give up all humility and sense of entitlement. Ego and pride have absolutely no place in show business. You will be kissing so much ass in the beginning and being treated so shitty by club owners, managers, audience members that you will literally die inside. This too is imperative, because if you can withstand all this then maybe, just maybe you can be a comic. This is where "wanting" and "needing" comes in. Nobody will put up with this unless they have nowhere else to go. I can't stand anything more then a comedian complaining about the business, "This person won't let me perform here, I can't get on this tv show, the audience won't laugh at my brilliant joke"...shut the hell up you moron! It's show business, it's not supposed to be easy or no one would ever get a real job again. If you don't want to deal with it go back to school and leave me alone. I want to talk about the girl in the second row whose nipples are showing through her shirt, not how some dickhead who owns a club hurt your feelings because he told you you sucked (which you probably do). I went through it, everyone has to go through it. For seven years I auditioned for the Aspen Comedy Festival and killed every time but one important guy didn't like me. Everyone would say to him "What about Mitch Fatel?" and his stock line was "I just don't get it." What the heck does that mean? "I just don't get it?" Get "what"? I'm hysterically funny, what do you have to get? Anyway, I just plugged along and kept doing my act. Finally one day that guy left the festival and the new guy immediately gave it to me. That year, the first year I finally got to go I won "Best comic of the festival". I never once, proud to say, complained, I just accepted that was the business and kept doing my act, which is the only thing you have the power to do. Just keep performing. Which leads us to Step 3.

Step Three: Perform This is ironically the easiest part. Just perform. Get on stage everywhere humanly possible. Perform perform perform, that right there is the most obvious and most important hint! That is the "secret". Get up anywhere they will let you, bowling alleys, bars, after school programs, anywhere there is a microphone and just talk. Jay Leno used to go into music clubs and hand the owner fifty bucks. He'd say "Let me go on stage, if I do good, pay me with that 50 bucks, if I suck, you keep it".
Jay Leno doesn't pay to perform anymore.

True story! After about a year of getting on stage you will know if you're meant to do it or not. The material is not the key here but developing who "you" are is and the more you're on stage the more it will start to come to you. Even if you're meant to do it, that doesn't mean you'll make it though. Just means you'll know you're not wasting your time. Quite honestly my first show ever it was pretty obvious to me. If after 2-3 years you still aren't getting laughs, struggling everywhere you go, never really killing, you will have an inner voice that either tells you to march on or try some other way to fill your void. Either one is acceptable because at least then you will never live wondering. From there, if you stay, everything will fall in place. The TV people will find you, the agents will find you, the right people will find you. I never did anything but perform and slowly I just started meeting the "right" people. I promise it will be the same for you. If you're meant to be in this business that stuff is not important, the performing is.

Step Four: Wild fame. I'm lucky, I don't have wild fame, but I do have cult fame and that's sweeter than anything. If wild fame follows, I'll take it. Don't expect it though, I never did. I just wanted to perform for anyone, anytime anywhere. I love stand up. The fact that I now have fans is just icing on the cake. If you're lucky enough to get to Mitch Fatel status, then enjoy, sit back and enjoy pictures fans send you of them having sex with their girlfriends, holding muffins in honor of you! This one was sent last month. Further cementing my belief, I was definitely "meant" to do this!
Mmmmm..... Muffins.

Okay, folks, make sure to join my new Facebook site. See you guys at my upcoming shows. Now's the time to see me in a club because I'm going to be doing theaters in 2009, so come out now while I'm still accessible and not a dick : )

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