mitch's journal

September 15th, 2005

Holy shit did I just have an amazing time! In Fresno of all places. I worked an outdoor arena with 1000 metal heads. It was an event called Motorcycle Mayhem and it had tons of motorcycles and babes and X-game events.
The Mayhem

I, being the hip generation X comedian I am was hired as the comedy performer for the weekend. How did I do? I kicked some metal ass thank you very much. I didn't think they would actually be quiet and let me do my thing but except for some freaky guys with tattoos that kept yelling for me to "take it off" it went amazing. I was actually opening for two bands. The second one, Lit, was okay but the first one Beautiful Creatures was horrendously bad. They really should have just paid me their money to do another half hour because the audience was bored stiff by them.
Crappy Crappy Band (Plus they didn't even thank me for giving them a great intro and then making me look bad by sucking so horribly).

They were so pathetic too, they actually brought a video camera on stage and then had the audience cheer like they were loving it because they said they were sending the tape to Germany to get work. The definite highlight of the weekend was that I was actually working with a porn star. I had to do a meet and greet before the show with x-rated legend Gina Lynn.
Gina Lynn. Soon to be Gina Fatel

At first I wasn't really familiar with her but when she bent over I realized I knew who she was. Seriously though she was super hot and we kind of became friends because we spent like 2 hours signing autographs together. By the end of the weekend I actually thought I would live out my lifelong fantasy of having sex with a porn star but then she got in an accident with a bungy cord and her face expanded into a watermelon. The accident was amazing. Apparently because of the show Jackass there's this whole movement where people try to hurt themselves. This group of guys had these huge bungys that they would stretch and shoot at each others balls. Me personally I don't see the appeal because I love my balls, but hey some people don't like their balls and right now we have people dying over in Iraq for the right to snap bungy cords at them.

Well these guys asked Gina to snap one at their balls but Gina forgot to let go of it (she's a porn girl not a scientist) and it snapped back into her face and suddenly she looked like she had swallowed some really bad semen. I'm hoping to work with her again one day and complete the quest. Speaking of porn, I'm in the November issue of Hustler magazine. It's a fast interview on page 15 sandwiched in-between some girl shoving stuff in her vagina and an ad for 1 866 HOT SLUT so needless to say Mom is as proud as she's ever been. It's not a full page interview or anything like that, just a little blurb on the bottom but if you're a mitch fatel collector this is a must have!

Other news. I'm getting a ton of new fans since XM ran my 35 minute concert special. So many new people have been writing me. I just wish the fans would send more inventive e- mail or at least send naked pictures (no guys please, that would just be foul). The regular e-mails always say the same thing; "We love you in Muskogee, come fast, I'll bring you muffins!" I was never really one of those traveling comics that worked much on the road but I'm going to have to start because everyones been asking me about it. I've actually gotten fan mail from Kansas.
Gotta love Dorothy (I did her)

I never knew there really was a place Kansas where people live. I just assumed it was made up for The Wizard of Oz . For everyone who asks when I'm coming, it won't be this year but don't worry. After my comedy central special runs which will be sometime in the Spring of 2006 I'm going to do a big tour. Everybody be sure to join the mailing list and when I know I'm going to tour everyone will get an update. Web boy's really good about your e-mail addresses. He doesn't sell it to any spam house and as far as I know I think he only sends out one a month (isn't that right web boy? On average once a month, but that could mean two or three emails in one month and then a dry spell for another three months. Lately it seems like we have been sending out an email to coincide with the release of new journals. In the email we announce the new journal and tell everyone about upcoming TV spots, tour dates, CD news, etc. Joining the email list is truly the most convenient and safest way to stay in touch with Mitch and his career. Sincerely, Webboy. ) Jesus Christ how fucking boring is Webboy? It's my own journal and I almost fell asleep. I give him his one chance to shine and he writes an answer longer then War and Peace. Only joking dude, I love you to death, but seriously next time how about a little less then 8 paragraphs.

Now onto other matters. I have a great Tonight Show appearance coming up on Tuesday the 20th. It's pretty cool. I was supposed to do stand up the following week but they asked if they could move it to Oct or Nov and I agreed. I have to do stand up soon though because people are starting to think I'm an intern!
David Brenner

I was an intern for David Brenner years ago when he had a TV show, like 15 years ago and the asshole stole from me. If you own my CD you'll see I put a thank you to him for stealing my material. It's a really sad story I was a stupid college kid who worked as an intern and I wrote a bunch of jokes for his show. I actually snuck back to his dressing room, knowing if I got caught I would be fired. I knocked on his door and said "Hey I wrote this skit if you use it can you just give me a credit at the end of the show?" He agreed. The next day I came into work they had rewritten the script and put some other writers name at the top. David never even looked at me again, never thanked me or acknowledged me. He knew he couldn't use my stuff because I wasn't in the union so they just made it like it was someone elses. It was that day I realized how horrible this business could be. I swore then to never steal anyone's material and always treat interns good. I've kept one promise, I never steal, but it's really fun sometimes to be mean to interns. They have to get you anything you ask for, it's so much fun!

The Governor of Alabama

Anyway make extra sure to tune into the yard sale on the 20th, I know I've said this before but I think this is the funniest piece ever done in the history of television. I went to Alabama for the first time. I was shocked at two things. First how incredibly friendly people were and second how that rumor about them not having their teeth is absolutely true. They're very friendly but very teethless. The most important thing was they were happy to have us there and did almost anything I asked them which could be dangerous. I'm not going to give away too much but I didn't start out the day thinking a hillbilly in a trailer would be scrubbing my back in his tub.. just leave it at that. I just hope David Brenner doesn't see it and steal the idea!


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