Well Superbowl 39 is behind us and I donít have to worry
about another one for at least another year. This was easily the
hardest one I've done but I think maybe my best. If you haven't seen
it yet I've posted excerpts on my TV page so you can judge for yourself. I have to
say not only are the Patriots the best football team of this decade
but they are also the greatest group of guys. Before I talk about
that though can I just ask "Who the hell still smokes?"
Has anyone not
figured out yet that it's the most disgusting habit in the history
of mankind? Not only is it the most miserable thing you can do to
your body but don't you realize other people have to smell your
stinky smoke body when they're sitting next to you on a plane. I
guess, as you can tell, I'm writing this on a plane sitting next to
the most stinky smoker body I've had to smell in a long time. I feel
like I'm going to puke on him, which would actually be an
improvement over that smoker smell! I think everyone on the plane
would thank me and be like, "That's a fine smelling vomit, son.
You're a hero!" As I've written before traveling really is a
nightmare. If it's not some guy talking loud on his cellphone then it's some guy reeking of that
horrible cigarette smell. I really can't figure out why cigarettes
are even for sale? Why would anyone buy a product that not only
kills you but makes you smell worse than vomit! I would never even
kiss a smoker! Don't get me wrong, I would have sex with them doggy
style, but no kissing, so if a hot smoker is out there reading this
don't give up hope, just send me a picture of your ass. Now, back to
the Patriots. Where do I begin, as I was saying, the Patriots are
really the coolest guys in the world. They went so far out of their
way to help me out and do all the goofy things I asked them to do.
Then to actually celebrate with me minutes after their win makes
them just amazing people. The Eagles players were okay to me but the
Patriots actually became my friends.
Smokers. Yucky, smelly, disgusting smokers!
Just like last
year they did everything I asked them, put on silly hats, danced
with me, played Twister, you name it they did it for me. One of the
coolest thing about this media day was I was actually considered a
celebrity. All the newspapers were asking if they could interview me
and I actually had to say No because I had limited time with the
players. I felt so cool. Even at one of those Superbowl parties, (I
hate parties-lots of smokers) the local news anchorwoman asked to
interview me. Then she proceeded to ask me a bunch of inane
questions about if I like Jacksonville. That kind of caught me off
guard because number one, who cares and number two I thought it kind
of blew. It's really just one long strip mall. The thing that sucks
is I finally get this cool annual Superbowl gig and besides San
Diego in 2003 the locations have been pretty shitty. Last year was
Houston, which the people were really nice but even they admitted
that all Houston was is just a bunch of highways that each end at a
Mexican restaurant. It kind of reminded me of New Jersey without the
smell. Next years is going to be worse because it's actually in
Playing twister with Linebacker Jeff Chatham.
Don't get me wrong
I love Detroit, it's got overwhelming personality. Home to Kid Rock,
Eminem and my favorite commentator Debbie Schlussel who rocks, and
writes the greatest articles on women's basketball and why it sucks
http://www.debbieschlussel.com/. I also have a lot
of fans there who come see me at the Comedy Castle so Detroit is one
of my favorite towns. The problem is that the Superbowl is in
January and I don't have to tell you that in January Detroit is
going to be 40 below zero! Which begs the question: What in god's
name were they thinking? Super Bowl week is supposed to be about
partying and babes in bikinis, not freezing your ass off and girls
in snowsuits. The year after that it's Miami so I'm hoping I can
hang on till then because that would rock. I better start learning
to speak Spanish now!
Wide Reciever Bethel Johnson. My bud!
The other cool thing about being in Jacksonville for the
Superbowl was Big Mac Day seven with Bluefish.
On the field with Bluefish at the 2005 Super Bowl.
For those of you
who are just starting to read my journals, Bluefish is my best
friend since I was 10 who somehow stayed friends with me even though
I tried to sleep with his girlfriend in the ninth grade. He admits
it's paid off though since this was the third Superbowl in a row he
got to actually be on the field. So anyway, Big Mac day is a
tradition we have where we both agreed 7 years ago to only eat one
Big Mac a year (since we love them this is not easy to do) Why we
decided it I don't think either of us remember,
Big Mac Day #7. Your eyes do not deceive you, we
are..behind the counter!
I think it's so
that when we finally get the mac it's like overwhelming happiness.
So this year we had Jacksonville Big Mac day. This one was
particularly successful because the McDonalds girl let us go behind
the counter which is rare so whenever we get behind there we
consider it a success. She was really cute too so I'm hoping to
start a new tradition called "big mac girl day". Anyway, if things
go according to plan Big Mac Day 8 should be in Detroit so be sure
to tune in next year to see if we get behind the counter.
Okay, not much else to report except that my CD is selling so
good it's scary. Everything is just gravy now. All I ever wanted to
do was make back my money and I just did that in less then a year so
I'm feeling pretty good about myself. I only put one out because
people kept writing me asking for one and I just wanted to do it for
my fans but now it's really taken off. I don't want to brag but
apparently it's the number one requested comedy CD on XM radio. Man
does it pay to act retarded!
Attention goofy looking couples. Win a copy of
"Miniskirts and Muffins". If you're a perfect looking couple
you'll have to buy a copy for only $12.99.
Since I made
back my money now I think I want to do fun stuff. I know, lets do a
giveaway! I've always wanted to do one of those. I even have a great
idea for one. Since I always have couples writing me I'll do a
couples giveaway. Here's the rules, one free CD to the goofiest
couple who sends me a picture. God, that is such a cool idea. I need
a time limit too so we'll say it's from now till May 1st. That's 2
months of pictures to choose from. So e-mail your photos to me firstname.lastname@example.org
choose the winners and post the pictures in my June journal. Good
luck. Okay, I have 3 more hours with smelly cigarette guy next to
me. Maybe if I'm lucky his lungs will give out and they'll have to
store him in the overhead compartment!
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