One of the greatest things about being a semi-famous super talented cute maybe retarded
comedian is I get a good amount of really cool fan mail.
Most of it is positive. The majority of people write to tell me how good I am and how I
have given meaning to their
lives, others are just comments
"Dude, I met you in person and you are really short! Keep up the good work." The rest are
just asking when
going to perform in their town (A tour is in the works so if that is your question be sure to
Every now and than however an e-mail sticks out for different reasons.
Sometimes it's downright stupid, other times it can be considered in the "scary stalker"
category and if I'm really lucky it's of the hot sexy
variety. Here are some samples of each of these I've recently received. I'll start with the
really stupid one:
You don't want a fan letter from Travis Bickle
When I first heard you I thought you sucked. Blah blah blah, my penith, blah
blah blah, look at me I'm cute and say penis with a slight lysp will you love
me, blah blah blah. I thought "the nerve of this guy". Hmph. And then you
made me laugh. I was like "damnit." So now I'm like...hmmm...does he suck?
or does he make me laugh?
Hmm. You make me laugh.
But you still suck.
Wow, thank god he's just kidding. I was contemplating leaving the business until he was
nice enough to let me know
that I don't, in fact, suck. Obviously this Rhodes Scholar took time from
his busy job at NASA
to give me the good news. Needless to say my depression has lifted and with the help of
Prozac and Viagra the world
is looking up again. By the way, that's a joke I've never taken Prozac in my life! Although I
will admit it seems
that everyone I've ever dated eats it like it's candy. I don't know what that says about me. I
guess I'm just attracted
to that glazed happy look. Anyway, back to the letter. My only real problem with his e-
mail is that I have never ever
talked about my penith, Quite honestly I don't even know what a penith is? Second, what
the hell is a lysp? I know what
a "lisp" is but "lysp"? One word dude "Spellcheck". I mean you've taken the first step and
gotten out of bed to write a
big celebrity why not go the extra inch and choose "check spelling" in the edit
menu. A lack of education I can always look past but laziness I can never excuse : ( The
next e-mail is one I've
designated under the
"Please don't hunt me down and kill me" category.
Hey there mitch.
U are like…. Really funny and stuff. I like your website and your muffin jokes. I was gonna
make a really kool kick ass website like yours once..but ..um… baywatch came on. so…
you know, I had to make a decision and I stick by it dammit!
Whats really kool is that your job lets u go around the country and I just stay in my cubicle
and type…the good part is maybe I'll die of extreme carpal tunnel syndrome before I lose
it like that fat guy in "office space"
anyway.. Keep doing you dude. And next time you see halle berry , tell her fine ass to stop
running over people in her car! Hitmen are so much more low maintenance..models!
(exasperated sigh) you cant live with em..cant live without em. Well you could if theyd
remove the freaking restraining order lol
Thanks Blackjack. I only ask one thing. Please make my death fast without suffering. Now
finally on to an example of the best kind of e-mail, the one's that makes it all worth it...the
hot sexy one!!!
You can hurt me, but don't you dare touch my girl Halle!
I am a Sirius Radio subscriber and I hear you on Raw Dog comedy all the
time. I think you are so funny and want you to get me pregnant. Please write
back,. I would love to hear from you and I am very hot.
I'm going to be a baby daddy! Oh my god, this is so sudden but so exciting! The only
problem is I haven't seen the
baby mommy yet. I wrote her back requesting a pic and have heard nothing back yet so
I'm beginning to fear the baby mommy may just be laying in bed eating a jar of mayonase,
if you know what I mean. If she does send a picture I'll be sure to post it in the next
journal. I just don't know how she can't be hot with a name like Ambyr, I've already
masturbated to her name three times. If she is of the extra large variety of Mommy's I just
want to say proudly that doesn't mean I wouldn't let her have my child, I would just make
sure that she's well fed when the baby was around. Sometimes you make concessions in
the name of love.
So anyway, there is just a small cross sampling of the e-mail I get. Bad or good it's always
fun to get and
see who your fans are so keep it coming.
Now some fast updates. I just taped my fourth Carson Daly spot which will air
this Friday April 1st, so make sure and watch. Carson Daly is one of the tougher shows for
me to do
because his audience is so young and I think they really want to see a rapper and then I
come out and
talk about my penith. It went pretty good. It started out slow which it usually does on his
show and then
they kind of start to get it and then I started doing great so I think it's worth your time. I'll
making my long awaited solo debut in Canada this week.
If you've been following the website for a few years
you know two years ago I was on the Montreal comedy festival tour and I made a lot of
fans who always write me asking me to come back. So here I am! I love Canadians. The last
time I went to Canada
everyone was really nice except the customs guy. He asked me for some sort of document
I didn't have and he got
really upset and said, and I'm quoting here "It's always the Americans!" I was like "What,
it's always the American's
who don't pay 98% of their money in taxes for a failing health care system that makes
people wait 6 months to get an MRI?"
which he didn't find funny at all. But then I gave him a Labatts Blue (Canadian beer that's
like crack to them) and we were cool. So besides
him I'm looking forward to
meeting all my great Canadian fans. Make sure to come out and see me in Edmonton
Alberta at the Comic Strip. What else
are you going to do, watch hockey? I know it's going to be a blast and
since you guys don't
have much money the drinks are on me : )
It ain't like you can watch hockey, eh.
Subscribe to Mitch Fatel's email newsletter to be notified via email of
upcoming TV spots, added shows and anything else Mitch related.
Please send all comments to