mitch's journal

March 30, 2005

One of the greatest things about being a semi-famous super talented cute maybe retarded comedian is I get a good amount of really cool fan mail.
Most of it is positive. The majority of people write to tell me how good I am and how I have given meaning to their lives, others are just comments
You don't want a fan letter from Travis Bickle
"Dude, I met you in person and you are really short! Keep up the good work." The rest are just asking when I'm going to perform in their town (A tour is in the works so if that is your question be sure to join my mailing list). Every now and than however an e-mail sticks out for different reasons. Sometimes it's downright stupid, other times it can be considered in the "scary stalker" category and if I'm really lucky it's of the hot sexy variety. Here are some samples of each of these I've recently received. I'll start with the really stupid one:

Dear Mitch,

When I first heard you I thought you sucked. Blah blah blah, my penith, blah blah blah, look at me I'm cute and say penis with a slight lysp will you love me, blah blah blah. I thought "the nerve of this guy". Hmph. And then you made me laugh. I was like "damnit." So now I'm like...hmmm...does he suck? or does he make me laugh?

Hmm. You make me laugh.
But you still suck.

Just kidding.

Wow, thank god he's just kidding. I was contemplating leaving the business until he was nice enough to let me know that I don't, in fact, suck. Obviously this Rhodes Scholar took time from his busy job at NASA to give me the good news. Needless to say my depression has lifted and with the help of Prozac and Viagra the world is looking up again. By the way, that's a joke I've never taken Prozac in my life! Although I will admit it seems that everyone I've ever dated eats it like it's candy. I don't know what that says about me. I guess I'm just attracted to that glazed happy look. Anyway, back to the letter. My only real problem with his e- mail is that I have never ever talked about my penith, Quite honestly I don't even know what a penith is? Second, what the hell is a lysp? I know what a "lisp" is but "lysp"? One word dude "Spellcheck". I mean you've taken the first step and gotten out of bed to write a big celebrity why not go the extra inch and choose "check spelling" in the edit menu. A lack of education I can always look past but laziness I can never excuse : ( The next e-mail is one I've designated under the "Please don't hunt me down and kill me" category.

Hey there mitch.

U are like…. Really funny and stuff. I like your website and your muffin jokes. I was gonna make a really kool kick ass website like yours once..but… baywatch came on. so… you know, I had to make a decision and I stick by it dammit!

Whats really kool is that your job lets u go around the country and I just stay in my cubicle and type…the good part is maybe I'll die of extreme carpal tunnel syndrome before I lose it like that fat guy in "office space"

anyway.. Keep doing you dude. And next time you see halle berry , tell her fine ass to stop running over people in her car! Hitmen are so much more low maintenance..models! (exasperated sigh) you cant live with em..cant live without em. Well you could if theyd remove the freaking restraining order lol

Bye dude

You can hurt me, but don't you dare touch my girl Halle!

Thanks Blackjack. I only ask one thing. Please make my death fast without suffering. Now finally on to an example of the best kind of e-mail, the one's that makes it all worth it...the hot sexy one!!!

Dear Mitch,

I am a Sirius Radio subscriber and I hear you on Raw Dog comedy all the time. I think you are so funny and want you to get me pregnant. Please write back,. I would love to hear from you and I am very hot. Thank you.


I'm going to be a baby daddy! Oh my god, this is so sudden but so exciting! The only problem is I haven't seen the baby mommy yet. I wrote her back requesting a pic and have heard nothing back yet so I'm beginning to fear the baby mommy may just be laying in bed eating a jar of mayonase, if you know what I mean. If she does send a picture I'll be sure to post it in the next journal. I just don't know how she can't be hot with a name like Ambyr, I've already masturbated to her name three times. If she is of the extra large variety of Mommy's I just want to say proudly that doesn't mean I wouldn't let her have my child, I would just make sure that she's well fed when the baby was around. Sometimes you make concessions in the name of love.

So anyway, there is just a small cross sampling of the e-mail I get. Bad or good it's always fun to get and see who your fans are so keep it coming.

Now some fast updates. I just taped my fourth Carson Daly spot which will air this Friday April 1st, so make sure and watch. Carson Daly is one of the tougher shows for me to do because his audience is so young and I think they really want to see a rapper and then I come out and talk about my penith. It went pretty good. It started out slow which it usually does on his show and then they kind of start to get it and then I started doing great so I think it's worth your time. I'll also be making my long awaited solo debut in Canada this week.
It ain't like you can watch hockey, eh.

If you've been following the website for a few years you know two years ago I was on the Montreal comedy festival tour and I made a lot of great Canadian fans who always write me asking me to come back. So here I am! I love Canadians. The last time I went to Canada everyone was really nice except the customs guy. He asked me for some sort of document I didn't have and he got really upset and said, and I'm quoting here "It's always the Americans!" I was like "What, it's always the American's who don't pay 98% of their money in taxes for a failing health care system that makes people wait 6 months to get an MRI?" which he didn't find funny at all. But then I gave him a Labatts Blue (Canadian beer that's like crack to them) and we were cool. So besides him I'm looking forward to meeting all my great Canadian fans. Make sure to come out and see me in Edmonton Alberta at the Comic Strip. What else are you going to do, watch hockey? I know it's going to be a blast and since you guys don't have much money the drinks are on me : )


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