I'm writing this in an airport because I'm on my way to Jacksonville to do my third Super Bowl for the Tonight Show.

To Boldly go where no man has gone before...da na na na....

Before I speak about that though I do want to say that, Yes, your eyes do not decieve you, that is me standing with The Captain of the Starship Enterprise James T. Kirk. I met him when we aired the car show last week. I also met another more recent legend a one Mr. Snoop Doggy Dogg so this has been a really cool month. First, the car show. I really hope you saw it because it was a really funny piece. I was particularly proud of myself on that one because when we got to the show we found out that literally 80% of all the car companies wouldn't talk to us.

Snoop Dogg, my best bizzle

Apparently they have these really strict policies about anyone except their trained press people talking on camera and most of their press people were already gone. I really have no idea what they're trained to do except make sure their hair is perfect. I mean what do you have to know to talk to the fucking Tonight Show? I tried to explain we weren't really asking hard hitting questions, I basically was going to ask if I could get piggy back rides from the salespeople, not exactly rocket science. At first we thought we'd have to actually abort the piece in mid shoot because literally no one would talk to us. Finally, thank god, some cool car companies agreed to do stuff with us and that is mostly what's in the piece. I just want to give a shout out to Volvo, Hummer and Toyota, the cool car companies. Honda and Audi can suck my ass for fumes! (No, I don't know what that means either) I also learned that the majority of the car show models (girls and guys) are really weird people. Some of them were great like Toyota and Volvo but man the models for Honda and Pontiac were total duds. The Pontiac guy kept doing a horrible impression of Rodney Dangerfield. Apparently he was an ex soap opera actor trying to recapture the magic.

I loves the cars!

The Honda girl kept insisting that she knew "funny" and every time we would start the camera she would make some retarded joke about my height. I wonder if they're shocked they didn't make the piece? I wonder if they're shocked that being so full of talent all they've managed to do is make it to the car show. People trying to be stars are the worst because they start hamming it up when the camera goes on and they usually look like morons. Anyway, I was very happy with the piece but more proud of myself that I was able to even get a piece. So anyway, the night it aired was the coolest because not only did I meet my childhood idol Captain Kirk but I also met the Dog! Snoop, was very cool and by the way, that man is the real deal. He opened his dressing room door and half the Tonight Show staff including myself got stoned off our ass just from the mushroom cloud that escaped from his room. That man loves his mind altering substances! Now back to the Superbowl. I hope this one is good. They air on Friday the 4th and Monday the 7th. I am really hoping they are funny

Red Haired Reporter your going down!

because my last 2 Super Bowls were pretty good and I'm always worried I won't be able to re-create the magic. How many times can you ask a football player to put you on their shoulders? I did write some really funny stuff so lets hope it works, pray for me, get down on your hands and ask Jesus to help me with my piece. Hopefully I'll have lots of fun stories, I'm especially hoping "Red Haired Reporter" will be there so we can go for round 2. Please try and watch on Friday.

Holy shit, I just got in a real live shouting fight with some guy who was talking to loud on his cellphone. The thing that kills me about jerks that talk too loud on their cellphones is they're never having a conversation about the state of affairs in Iraq or how to reduce our dependency on Arab oil. They're usually broadcasting to the world how empty their pathetic lives are. The typical loud cellphone guy is usually shouting something like "I like cheese, cheese is my favorite, sometimes I like to eat cheese all day! Are you there? I lost you, oh there you are, I love cheese, I love it when it's fried!" Well, this guy next to me on his cellphone was having a conversation that would make the cheese one sound like Quantum Physics. He was basically screaming into the phone about how he wont be home to pick boxes for the Superbowl so what should he do and maybe he'll have his friend pick his boxes for him and last year he had 10 boxes but this year he's only going to get 5 boxes. He just went on and on for what seemed like hours and finally I just lost it and yelled "Hey dude, can't you whisper or move?" The guys brilliant answer was "Why don't you move?" Suddenly I'm back in 7th grade, I'm like "I was here first" to which I'm proud to say he had no answer. I'll try to take a picture of him with my camera phone, there I got it, look how vacant his stupid cheese filled head looks. The thing that pissed me off is everyone around me had to be getting annoyed too, he was shouting, but no one backed me up.

Loud cell phone talker.

Everyone acted like nothing was going on while me and this guy are yelling like children at each other. I assumed they would all start cheering and putting me on their shoulders and marching me around the airport. I was really proud of myself though because he did the obligatory speak a little louder thing and then he just ended the conversation and now he's quiet as a church mouse reading some "Asshole Weekly" magazine. I'm pretty happy I said something because I know I annoyed him back so now we're equal. Just please folks, if you ever see someone take the chance and shut up a cellperson asshole then at least support them by saying "Right on" or "You rock dude, have sex with my girlfriend!" that way more people will do it in the future. I don't usually say something unless something really pisses me off. I hate rude people but even worse I hate people who let rude people get away with things. Oh shit, I have a call, gotta go!

Mitch



Subscribe to Mitch Fatel's email newsletter to be notified via email of upcoming TV spots, added shows and anything else Mitch related.
SUBSCRIBE

Please send all comments to