I'm writing this in an airport because I'm on my way to
Jacksonville to do my third Super Bowl for the Tonight Show.
Before I speak
about that though I do want to say that, Yes, your eyes do not
decieve you, that is me standing with The Captain of the Starship
Enterprise James T. Kirk. I met him when we aired the car show last
week. I also met another more recent legend a one Mr. Snoop Doggy
Dogg so this has been a really cool month. First, the car show. I
really hope you saw it because it was a really funny piece. I was
particularly proud of myself on that one because when we got to the
show we found out that literally 80% of all the car companies
wouldn't talk to us.
To Boldly go where no man has gone before...da na na
have these really strict policies about anyone except their trained
press people talking on camera and most of their press people were
already gone. I really have no idea what they're trained to do
except make sure their hair is perfect. I mean what do you have to
know to talk to the fucking Tonight Show? I tried to explain we
weren't really asking hard hitting questions, I basically was going
to ask if I could get piggy back rides from the salespeople, not
exactly rocket science. At first we thought we'd have to actually
abort the piece in mid shoot because literally no one would talk to
us. Finally, thank god, some cool car companies agreed to do stuff
with us and that is mostly what's in the piece. I just want to give
a shout out to Volvo, Hummer and Toyota, the cool car companies.
Honda and Audi can suck my ass for fumes! (No, I don't know what
that means either) I also learned that the majority of the car show
models (girls and guys) are really weird people. Some of them were
great like Toyota and Volvo but man the models for Honda and Pontiac
were total duds. The Pontiac guy kept doing a horrible impression of
Rodney Dangerfield. Apparently he was an ex soap opera actor trying
to recapture the magic.
Snoop Dogg, my best bizzle
The Honda girl
kept insisting that she knew "funny" and every time we would start
the camera she would make some retarded joke about my height. I
wonder if they're shocked they didn't make the piece? I wonder if
they're shocked that being so full of talent all they've managed to
do is make it to the car show. People trying to be stars are the
worst because they start hamming it up when the camera goes on and
they usually look like morons. Anyway, I was very happy with the
piece but more proud of myself that I was able to even get a piece.
So anyway, the night it aired was the coolest because not only did I
meet my childhood idol Captain Kirk but I also met the Dog! Snoop,
was very cool and by the way, that man is the real deal. He opened
his dressing room door and half the Tonight Show staff including
myself got stoned off our ass just from the mushroom cloud that
escaped from his room. That man loves his mind altering substances!
Now back to the Superbowl. I hope this one is good. They air on
Friday the 4th and Monday the 7th. I am really hoping they are funny
I loves the cars!
because my last 2
Super Bowls were pretty good and I'm always worried I won't be able
to re-create the magic. How many times can you ask a football player
to put you on their shoulders? I did write some really funny stuff
so lets hope it works, pray for me, get down on your hands and ask
Jesus to help me with my piece. Hopefully I'll have lots of fun
stories, I'm especially hoping "Red Haired
Reporter" will be there so we can go for round 2. Please try and
watch on Friday.
Red Haired Reporter your going down!
Holy shit, I just got in a real live shouting fight with some guy
who was talking to loud on his cellphone. The thing that kills me
about jerks that talk too loud on their cellphones is they're never
having a conversation about the state of affairs in Iraq or how to
reduce our dependency on Arab oil. They're usually broadcasting to
the world how empty their pathetic lives are. The typical loud
cellphone guy is usually shouting something like "I like cheese,
cheese is my favorite, sometimes I like to eat cheese all day! Are
you there? I lost you, oh there you are, I love cheese, I love it
when it's fried!" Well, this guy next to me on his cellphone was
having a conversation that would make the cheese one sound like
Quantum Physics. He was basically screaming into the phone about how
he wont be home to pick boxes for the Superbowl so what should he do
and maybe he'll have his friend pick his boxes for him and last year
he had 10 boxes but this year he's only going to get 5 boxes. He
just went on and on for what seemed like hours and finally I just
lost it and yelled "Hey dude, can't you whisper or move?" The guys
brilliant answer was "Why don't you move?" Suddenly I'm back in 7th
grade, I'm like "I was here first" to which I'm proud to say he had
no answer. I'll try to take a picture of him with my camera phone,
there I got it, look how vacant his stupid cheese filled head looks.
The thing that pissed me off is everyone around me had to be getting
annoyed too, he was shouting, but no one backed me up.
Loud cell phone talker.
like nothing was going on while me and this guy are yelling like
children at each other. I assumed they would all start cheering and
putting me on their shoulders and marching me around the airport. I
was really proud of myself though because he did the obligatory
speak a little louder thing and then he just ended the conversation
and now he's quiet as a church mouse reading some "Asshole Weekly"
magazine. I'm pretty happy I said something because I know I annoyed
him back so now we're equal. Just please folks, if you ever see
someone take the chance and shut up a cellperson asshole then at
least support them by saying "Right on" or "You rock dude, have sex
with my girlfriend!" that way more people will do it in the future.
I don't usually say something unless something really pisses me off.
I hate rude people but even worse I hate people who let rude people
get away with things. Oh shit, I have a call, gotta go!
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