mitch's journal

May 9th, 2005

I, Ladies and Gentlman, am proud to announce that I have reached another milestone in my semi-retarded life. This week I actually received an e-mail from a real live Playboy Centerfold! I kid you not, here read:

Dearest Mitch,

Just wanted to thank you for picking me as your favorite playmate! Phew! Thank god your funny! :)

Kimberly Holland (Ms. October)

I don't really understand what the "Phew, thank god you're funny" means but hey she's a Playboy centerfold, putting together rational sentences is not really their strong suit. If you didn't see it I was in the April issue of Playboy in the Celebrity "Whose your Favorite Playmate" section. (Page 156).
Ms. October to you, the future Mrs. Fatel to me.

I don't know when I became considered a celebrity, but I'm assuming Screech wasn't available so I was next on the list. It's only a small little blurb but still I think it's so cool to be in Playboy since that was the magazine I used to masturbate to as a teen. When I was 13 we would go to my grandparents house and my grandfather used to have a bunch of Playboy's on his nightstand. I would mysterioulsy disappear into the bathroom for 6 hours and enter the kingdom of heaven. My parents never figured out why I always happened to have to "go" so bad every time we visited them. I wasn't just looking at the pictures though. I read it cover to cover, I learned advice on how to find the clitoris, where to get the best red wines, everything. I just soaked it all in and that is why now I am such an expert lover. I was the only 13 year old that could point out the G-spot and where to get the best woofers for your stereo. My favorite stop of course was always the centerfold. Before the picture though I always checked out the bio to see what the bunny of the month looked for in a man. Everytime I saw "Sense of Humor" I would just start masturbating furiously. That was going to be my key to getting a centerfold. It's funny because now that I'm older I would never want to sleep with a centerfold, I mean I would want to, I would just be too nervous. I still get nervous when I'm with regular girls passed out on roofies so a centerfold would just be to much for me to handle.
What are girls thinking these days?" I know what I am, "Thank you Jesus".

I think today's kids probably couldn't care less about Playboy because that internet porn is putting all these magazines out of business. I feel bad for kids today because it's got to be tough to even leave the house now. There is so much free porn out there I never would have had time to watch comedy and figure out I wanted to become a stand up. Today kids can enter in any random website address and porn will pop up. Plus, girls are dressing so incredible now it's scary. Just walk around a mall for an hour, you'll see stuff that turns you on more than Playboy ever did! Girls showing their asscracks, jeans so tight, it's not just a camel toe it's the whole god-damn foot! It's almost like President Bush made me "Director of Girls Uniforms" because this is exactly what I would tell girls to wear if I had the authority.
Come on fat girls, cover up! Do it for America, do it because it's right.

There is one problem though. What the hell is going on with the chubby girl in the miniskirt? Am I nuts or do these girls look in the mirror? Can't we pass a law or something. It's weird to see because it's almost like you get turned on because it's a miniskirt, but then you just wind up staring because your mind can't process the horror. I've seen girls at the mall wearing belly shirts that have these mounds of fat hanging over their belts? I mean if you have mounds of fat coming over your belt shouldn't you be wearing something that compliments your figure, like a poncho? Come on girls, don't forget the good ol poncho, Make us all happy and stop the hate.

Someone sent me an e-mail last week asking me what the worst part of being a stand up comedian was and I gave it some thought. I think the worst part, besides the traveling would have to be the 2nd show on Friday. Every comedian, unless he's black, hates the 2nd show on Friday. I don't know exactly why but for some reason this is the show where all the hecklers and drunks come out. I'll never understand the heckler. It's really the lazy persons way to get attention. The thing that pisses me off about it is if you want to get on stage and talk then do it the right way and work your ass off. Hecklers are truly the scum of the earth because they make themselves the show without going through the work. I've been doing this 15 years now and been through a lot. I've had stuff thrown at me, I've had 350 people booing me at once. Once I had a girl come up on stage look around confused and then vomit on my shoes (I got laid). When I first started out I had a comedian roommate who would answer my phone when I wasn't there and tell bookers I was out of town and then take the gig that was being offered.
You try dealing with this heckler.

To go through all that, and then see some heckler become the center of attention without going through the work really gets my goat (I don't really need my goat, but it's the principle). My worst heckler ever was when I was in the business about two years. He actually did worse then heckle he just started barking like a dog everytime I got to a punchline. How do you fight that? I just kept trying to get out the next punchline and before I could he would just "bark, bark, bark" I was so depressed afterwards I literally laid in bed in the fetal position and wondered if I had what it takes to make it. No one can ever prepare you for the barking heckler (I got laid). Thank god I stuck with it though because now I have so much more sex than I ever had when I was a waiter and I love sex it feels very good and makes me happy and moan.

By the way, I hope you guys got to see me on the Carson Daly show.
Click to watch video.

It was one of my better appearances and they didn't edit it so it played really well. My last few appearances they edited the shit out of it because of the content. This time I made sure they okayed the entire set first and finally I got to see an entire set unedited so that was very sweet. By the time this runs I'll be sure Jason has posted some of it.
I'm sure he'll have a link you can press right here! Thanks Webboy! I'll be in New York for the next few weeks so make sure if you're coming to check me out at my two favorite clubs The Comedy Cellar and Stand UP New York. I promise to do a good show and if I don't you can always bark! Now that's funny!


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