I, Ladies and Gentlman, am proud to announce that I have reached another milestone in
my semi-retarded life.
This week I actually received an e-mail from a real live Playboy Centerfold! I kid you not,
Just wanted to thank you for picking me as your favorite
Phew! Thank god your funny! :)
Kimberly Holland (Ms. October)
I don't really understand what the "Phew, thank god you're funny" means but hey she's a
Playboy centerfold, putting together rational sentences is not really their strong suit. If you
didn't see it I was in the April issue of Playboy in the Celebrity "Whose your Favorite
I don't know when I became considered a celebrity, but I'm assuming Screech wasn't
available so I was next on the list. It's only a small little blurb but still I think it's so cool to
be in Playboy since that was the
I used to masturbate to as a teen. When I was
13 we would go to my grandparents house and my grandfather used to have a
bunch of Playboy's on his nightstand.
I would mysterioulsy disappear into the bathroom for 6
hours and enter the kingdom of heaven. My parents never
figured out why I always happened to have to "go" so bad every time we visited them. I
wasn't just looking at the
pictures though. I read it cover to cover, I learned
advice on how to find
the clitoris, where to get the best red wines, everything. I just
soaked it all in and that is why now I am such an expert lover. I was the only 13 year old
that could point out the G-spot and where to get the best woofers for your stereo.
My favorite stop of course was always the centerfold. Before the picture though I always
checked out the bio to see what the bunny of
the month looked for in
a man. Everytime I saw "Sense of Humor" I would just start masturbating furiously. That
was going to be my key to getting a centerfold. It's funny because now that I'm older I
would never want to sleep with a centerfold, I
mean I would want to,
I would just be too nervous. I still get nervous when I'm with regular girls passed out on
roofies so a centerfold would
just be to much for me to handle.
Ms. October to you, the future Mrs. Fatel to me.
I think today's kids probably couldn't care less about
Playboy because that internet
porn is putting all these magazines out of business. I feel bad for kids today because it's
got to be tough to even
leave the house now. There is so much free porn out there I never would have had
time to watch comedy and figure out I wanted to become a stand up. Today kids
can enter in any random website address and porn will pop up.
Plus, girls are dressing so
incredible now it's scary. Just walk around a mall for an hour, you'll
see stuff that turns you
on more than Playboy ever did! Girls showing their asscracks, jeans so tight, it's not just a
camel toe it's the whole god-damn foot! It's almost like President Bush made me "Director
of Girls Uniforms" because this is exactly what I would tell girls to wear if I had the
What are girls thinking these days?" I know what I am, "Thank you Jesus".
There is one problem though. What the
hell is going on with the
chubby girl in the miniskirt? Am I nuts or do these girls look in the mirror?
Can't we pass a law or something.
It's weird to see because it's almost like you get turned on because it's a miniskirt, but
then you just wind up
staring because your mind can't process the horror. I've seen girls at the mall wearing
belly shirts that have
these mounds of fat hanging over their belts? I mean if you have mounds of fat coming
over your belt shouldn't
you be wearing something that compliments your figure, like a poncho? Come on girls,
don't forget the good ol poncho, Make us all happy and stop the hate.
Come on fat girls, cover up! Do it for America, do it because it's right.
Someone sent me an e-mail last week asking me what the worst part of being a stand up
comedian was and I gave it some
thought. I think the worst part, besides the traveling would have to be the 2nd show on
Friday. Every comedian, unless
he's black, hates the 2nd show on Friday. I don't know exactly why but for some reason
this is the show where all the
hecklers and drunks come out. I'll never understand the heckler. It's really the lazy
persons way to get attention.
The thing that pisses me off about it is if you want to get on stage and talk then do it the
right way and work your
ass off. Hecklers are truly the scum of the earth because they make themselves the show
without going through the work.
I've been doing this 15 years now and been through a lot. I've had stuff thrown at me, I've
had 350 people booing me at
once. Once I had a girl come up on stage look around confused and then vomit on my
shoes (I got laid). When I first
started out I had a comedian roommate who would answer my phone when I wasn't there
and tell bookers I was out of town
and then take the gig that was being offered.
You try dealing with this heckler.
To go through all that, and then see some heckler become the center of
attention without going through the work really gets my goat (I don't really need my goat,
but it's the principle). My worst heckler ever was when I
was in the business about two
years. He actually did worse then heckle he just started barking like a dog everytime I got
to a punchline. How do you
I just kept trying to get out the next
punchline and before I could he would just "bark, bark, bark" I was so depressed
afterwards I literally laid in bed in
the fetal position and wondered if I had what it takes to make it. No one can ever prepare
you for the barking heckler
(I got laid). Thank god I stuck with it though because now I have so much more sex than I
ever had when I was a waiter
and I love sex it feels very good and makes me happy and moan.
By the way, I hope you guys got to see me on the Carson Daly show.
Click to watch video.
It was one of my better appearances and they didn't edit it so it played really well. My last
few appearances they edited
the shit out of it because of the content. This time I made sure they okayed the entire set
first and finally I got to
see an entire set unedited so that was very sweet. By the time this runs I'll be sure Jason
has posted some of it.
sure he'll have a link you can press right here!
Thanks Webboy! I'll be in New York for the
next few weeks so make sure
if you're coming to check me out at my two favorite clubs The Comedy Cellar and
Stand UP New York. I promise to do a good
show and if I don't you can always bark! Now that's funny!
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