On Sept 18th at 11pm my life will change yet again. I have no control over this and have to passively await this alteration
as an infant awaits tasty milk from a breast. While I prepare for this change I've decided to let you, my loyal fans who
knew me before the change occurs, in on my preparations for this momentous event.
Mitch's new DVD "Mitch Fatel is Magical" available for pre-order.
If you are one of my "real" fans you know
that the reason my life will change is that on Sept 18th at 11pm the airing of my first one hour special "Mitch Fatel
is Magical" on Comedy Central will occur. At midnight after the special has run, my life, as I knew it, will be a faint
and distant memory. I must say I'm a little shocked and humbled by the attention the premiere of this masterpiece has
garnered. Having to ask Vladimir Putin (YES, THE VLADIMIR PUTIN) if I could put him on hold, to tell Barack Obama
(YES, THE BARACK OBAMA) that I would have to call him back. (Putin and I were just wrapping up and he was repeating
back to me my "Crotchless Panties" bit, one of my classics - his words, not mine) I do have to report when I finally
did talk with Obama I tried to be nice but made him very irritable when I refused to take stimulus money to "get myself
a nice dinner" telling him this was irresponsible.
I have already gotten much more fame in my life then I ever really knew was possible. My therapist used to tell me that fame
wouldn't answer all my lingering feelings of loneliness and give me the love I always longed for. It is now that I've
tasted just a smidge of it that I can unequivocally tell the therapeutic community they're going to have to alter their
text books to reflect the new knowledge, direct from my experiences, that fame absolutely clears up your lingering
feelings of loneliness and absolutely gives you the love you've longed for all your life. Not only does fame make
life perfect, it's filled with other perks I never could have known. Off the top of my head, some other things I never
knew about fame, When you become famous you never have to water plants or feed your pets again. When famous you never
have to shake after you pee. When you're famous you're allowed to take as much stereo wire as you want from Radio Shack.
No late fees ever on anything, anything...library books, blockbuster DVDS, an extra half hour with a hooker! Never.
I don't even have to show them ID because, yup...they know who I am, I'm famous.
I regularly walk out of restaurants without paying. I even try to tip the waitresses and they look at me like I'm nuts.
A porter once helped me with my bags at the train station and when I attempted to slip him a five he actually called the
police on me, assuming I was an imposter posing as world famous comedian Mitch Fatel. Not only did they make me take back
my five, they told me famous people never should be on trains and teleported me, YES TELEPORTED ME, to my destination.
Wolfgang Puck. Exclusive caterer to Mitch Fatel's hundredsomes.
I can't even begin to tell you how much better your sex life becomes when you're famous. When I was a teenager I dreamed of
threesomes. Threesomes! Ha, If I have a threesome now that's the equivalent of masturbating in a dirty bathroom. I regularly
have hundredsomes. My hundredsomes are fully catered by Wolfgang Puck and I can eat all the Velveeta and shells dinners
I want and I never gain a pound.
Now I sit back and await, Super Fame, that ethereal next step that most will never know. I don't really know how different
Super Fame is but I have recently gotten a booklet and follow up call by Brad Pitt to start to prepare me.
Dr Phil is going to prison.
I noticed in the
booklet one clause I am particularly happy about which states "Once you are Super Famous you have the right to have one per
son imprisoned for no reason other then they annoy you." Start packing Dr. Phil.
I do want to take this final opportunity before my special hits that for all people worried that I'm going to change or
somehow be different. Your fears are 100% warranted. I probably will not take any calls from anyone that's not Super
Famous, However, I will make an exception for all my fans IF....IF you get someone else to watch the special. How will
I know if you do, because being famous means I can have you interrogated by the C.I.A yes the CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE AGENCY!
So don't try anything fishy. If you help on my road to super stardom not only will you be able to do cocaine legally but
you will have the right to pee on anyone you find repulsive and when someone questions you just call me and I will clear
So lets do this, Sept 18th at 11pm, Comedy Central, we all have work to do. Believe me you want me on your side, don't let
me down or I will have you imprisoned. Yes, IMPRISONED! And you will be anally raped. Yes ANALLY RAPED! Godspeed.