December, 2009

My Night with Tiger Woods

Every now and then history presents you with a situation that you are forced to face head on. The introduction of facts from your past that you quickly ascertain presents you with two choices, either to run like a cowardly schoolboy or instead proudly man up and confront the scandalous truth with your head held high.
My Father didn't raise a wimp, and so I now write this confession to ultimately free my family from the grips of gossip and to hopefully put this wretched chapter behind me. I call my confession, simply "My Night with Tiger Woods". To be fair, It really wasn't a night, it was more of an afternoon and it wasn't really Tiger Woods directly. I'm sure however that you'll agree after reading my tale of passion that I will forever be linked with our fallen hero.

The year was 2003, I had just gotten out of what would be the first of my two marriage engagements of my life (both of which, for the record, ended before said matrimony took place) Feeling a bit lost and confused Webboy Jason had been pushing me to release a CD of my brilliant comedy. I decided that in order to get my mind off of my romantic mishaps this would be the perfect distraction. I had serious reservations about releasing a CD. I was confused why a comedian would even make a CD and relinquish material that couldn't be used again. In my mind at that time, I never really understood how comedy on a CD would work. It was different to me then a music CD in that, how could you "listen" to a bit twice. Unlike a song once a joke is told I didn't quite grasp how you could listen to it again. I was luckily very mistaken in this thought as Miniskirts and Muffins launched my career and it has lead to the current fame I now enjoy. It's funny looking back, but if I had gone through with the marriage and not released a CD this whole torrid tale would be moot. Who could have known?

It was a cold crisp October day when I arrived at Bauer's Bakery in Queens on the day that a seemingly inconsequential item called a camera would document an incident that would forever intertwine my life with golfing legend Tiger Woods. Once I had named the CD "Miniskirts and Muffins" the idea of the cover came to me quite easily, I would pose in a

bakery with muffins and hot babes in miniskirts. Coincidentally around this time I had started to write articles for Playboy magazine. Using this connection I asked them if they could "get" me two Playboy models to use for the cover of my CD. They agreed and sent me photos of about 10 girls and told me I could have any of them for a nominal fee. The first one I picked was the easiest, because she was the hottest, her name....Loredana Jolie.

So, as we now jump ahead to the present day the majority of us now watch daily as Tiger Woods life slowly unravels in front of us. Tiger has hopelessly entwined himself in the scandal of the decade, which I now call "pussygate". At every new report of a "Tiger girl" we greedily lap up each new nugget of information. The list of one girl quickly ballooned to twelve girls. And this twelfth girl dear reader is where your humble comedian now finds himself linked to a part of history that will endure for decades to come. Webboy, a self professed porn addict, who runs my website wrote me a text on Friday Dec 11th, reading "Loredana Jolie is all over the news dude!" Confused what this meant and over the years forgetting that name, I wondered what this had to do with me, I googled her name. As soon as I saw the first "Google Image" of Loredana it battered me like a ton of fake breasts. Loredana, sweet, not so innocent Miniskirt and Muffin cover girl Loredana was Tigers twelfth girl but more delicious then this fact, she was an alleged high paid escort who engaged in group sex with the golfer we've come to know and love!

Not only had Webboy un-earthed this stunning fact, he had astutely kept all the pictures from that fateful day in 2003 and they are now yours for free with a purchase of Miniskirts and Muffins. Only joking, you can view them for free, but since I must now go into hiding you might as well support the cause and purchase the CD that has changed a nation and is now destined to be a collectors item! Like Loredana, I unfortunately have to whore myself out occasionally for the greater good. Regardless she's an insanely hot girl, who coincidentally was very high maintenance when I worked with her. Ironically she was very concerned that we wouldn't "show" her topless on the cover (even though she was a playboy girl) because she was scared her parents would see it. Well, I'm sure her parents must be very proud now, not only is she not topless on my CD she's shown herself to be a girl of extreme ethics and the finest pedigree. By agreeing to lick Tiger Woods putter for thousands of dollars (15 thousand by the way, is the number I've heard) she has set in motion a series of coincidences that threaten to, by guilt through association tarnish my fine name. $15,0000 dollars for a night with Loredana, she has done well considering I only paid her $400 to shoot with Mitch Fatel a mere 6 years ago.

So my conscience is now clear, my penis drained and my pride reinvigorated. I let the chips fall where they may. I invite TMZ to give me their best shot and stalk me about this indiscretion. I briefly thought of keeping these torrid facts to myself, but truth has a nasty way of needling it's way into our daily fiber so I, with the blessing of my ex-fiances offer up this story. If you can learn anything, anything at all from this incident, if just one future young comedian is helped by this sad confession, then in truth, it will all be worth it. If on the other hand I find out that these "smutty" pics of Loredana and I are used for anything other then educational purposes I will go to my grave cursing the day *I slept with Tiger Woods.

*Mitch Fatel did not sleep with Tiger Woods but since he touched a girls fake breasts on camera who "allegedly" had group sex with him he is using this fact to further his career and bring his brilliantly written comedy to more people throughout our great country.

On the subject of fame I do want to give a quick thank you to my fans for making my DVD
Elin Fatel??? Just sayin.

Mitch Fatel is Magical a huge hit. It is consistently in the top 100 Stand up DVDS on Amazon so I'm pretty thrilled. Everyone's asking me what my next step will be. I just had a meeting with a really cool Television writer and I'm working on a new really funny tv show that we're going to try to sell to a network, so I'll be sure to keep everyone up to date on that. Have a great Holiday and that includes you Erin Snodgrass or whatever Tigers soon to be ex-wifes name is, if you need a real man to keep you company use my SAY NOW number 914-984-5991 and I'll come over as soon as I can : )

Editors Note: Check back in a week for Mitch's journal about his one date with Loredana Jolie.


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