June, 2012

The Female Orgasm

As I lay back in my seat, waiting to fly back to the U.S. from Amsterdam, (I was taping a show for Showtime called "Live from Amsterdam" airing June 21st at 11pm). I slowly start to drift off and find myself pondering. Since I am not one taken to pondering - I find it tasteless and brutish - I quickly try to cease this activity but ironically find myself pondering my hatred of pondering.
Live from Amsterdam (June 21st at 11pm on Showtime)

Luckily, in the middle of this pre-ponderance of pondering, my fiancee texts me to tell me that she misses me and can't wait to hug me when I land. I smile and text back a similar notion, lean back in my seat and start contemplating. Unlike pondering, I find contemplating invigorating and empowering. As long as I don't start ruminating, which disgusts me.

My contemplation is basically about how weird and wonderful it feels to be happy. As someone who was a serial, single womanizer my entire life and came to believe this was actually happiness, I'm struck at how far in denial I was. I now, in the core of my being, believe that one can never be truly happy or complete until they have a mate they love. Not just any mate, "their" mate. I have found that mate and now I'm getting married. I suddenly know for the first time in my life, without a doubt, I'm an "adult". Soon I will be a husband, the head of the household, the big cheese.
Hawking schmawking

A milestone. I'm no longer just a man, but an adult. The male progression, in a nutshell: Boy to Man, Man to Adult, Adult to Old-Guy-yelling-at-kids-to get-off-his-lawn. Each phase posseses very different and definite characteristics. Since I know that I have the responsibility of being the smartest man to ever live (Newsweek 2006 "Hawking schmawking, I'll take Fatel"), I feel it is my duty to shed light on the age old question, "When does a man, become a man?" If getting married makes the man an adult, when does a boy become the man?

The answer society tells us and the answer that is so apallingly wrong is, when you lose your virginity. Not only do they tell you this, but every boy can't help but feel that after they finally plunge their erect penis into that luscious cauldron of feminitiy, they are now a man. Forget the fact that the act itself ends before one can even finish reading this sentence. You are now a man. You can proudly tell everyone at your school, boy scout meeting, baseball team, friendship bracelet class, that you are now a goddman man! Sadly, it's both foolish and tragic to believe this hypothesis. In reality, losing your virginity is as far from the day you become a man as making mac and cheese makes you a chef. Irony abounds. It actually pushes you so much further away from your man-dom than any other act. In truth, the day you lose your virginity is the day you become a sniveling, gross, depraved worm who will try - unsuccessfully, the majority of the time - to procure more of that priceless drug, pussy. You'll try at any cost, no matter the price to yourself or the poor girls whose trust and belief in mankind will no doubt be hurt by your ruthelessness. Years later, every boy is left with deplorable memories of the depths he plunged himself by begging, stealing and lying to get another fix.

Don't feel that terrible though, boys. It's almost understandable. The first millisecond your penis enters the vagina, it is the last time anything will EVER live up to the hype, ever again. To ever expect anything again to deliver on that level or magnitude is foolishness. No drug, no cuisine, no Neil Diamond CD will ever quite live up to expectations like the vagina lives up to her legend. The vagina easily surpasses any dream or fantasy you've ever encountered. Forget anything you've read or viewed or anyone you've spoken to. Nothing can adaquately prepare you for the overwhelming pleasure which that adorable, tiny flesh envelope delivers. I'm wholly convinced that even meeting Jesus and having him fry up some fish for you would still be boring in comparison to the light you see for those few precious seconds when you lose your virginity.
Jesus Fish or Vagina?

Understanding this, one can't possibly blame another for helplessly dedicating themselves to the mindless pursuit of the "next" few seconds. This is obviously far from becoming a man. This is becoming a slave; an act that, in essence, emasculates you and puts you in its service. Enslavement is the opposite of manliness. So, now that we see that losing your virginity makes you more immature than you were to begin with, when exactly do boys take that first step onto the bridge of manhood?

The fateful moment you leave boyhood behind; that day, that time, that actual second you become a man is...wait for it...the female orgasm. Yup, ironically it's when a girl has her "first" orgasm with a man, that he is, in fact, a man. Let me be clear here. It's not the first time you watch it in a video, not even the first time you are present, but the first time you are actually responsible for giving one to a girl. A real orgasm, not just a little moaning. Simply maintaing an erection for little more than two minutes and the female in question garnering a second or two of pleasure is not an orgasm. I mean the first grabbing your hair, scratching your back - or neck, as it may be - hitting the bed, deep breaths, followed with words like,"Wow" or "What the fuck was that?" or "I'm going to make you a sandwich!". Words only a "real" man hears. THAT is the day you can celebrate.

Part two coming next month. Quick note: I want to thank all my fellow pervs, male and female, for being the best, coolest, hottest fans ever. I'm having a great year with lots of fun stuff, meeting all of you cool guys and hot girls at my shows. Check out my tour page and make sure to come and say hi. Also, check me out on "Live from Amsterdam" at 11pm on Showtime, June 21st. It was a fun experience and the Dutch people loved me. I don't care if it was because they were stoned off their asses, I still felt like a million bucks.
Dave's Old Porn on Showtime

Also on Showtime, in October, I debut, along with my hot, bisexual fiancee Jess, on Dave's Old Porn. Make sure you tune in to see me sucking her toes on national television! Not to be missed. Finally, my new CD, "Public Display of Perversion", will drop in the next few months, so keep an eye out. Keep sending me all your great comments and emails on Facebook and Twitter. I can't wait till we all have an orgy. And if you're a girl...yes, you WILL have an orgasm.


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